A lot of Words

The last year has been one of the most difficult I've experienced. It wasn't a year full of bad experiences and happenings per say but a very difficult one as far as my emotional state goes. I wanted to get pregnant again almost immediately after having lost the baby but I went on one month of birth control before deciding that definitely was not what I wanted. I had thoughts of immediately getting pregnant without any effort. Well, month after month, I wasn't pregnant, even with lots of effort. I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant very quickly. I'd never been in the position of "trying" to get pregnant; in the past it just happened. I had always made the statement that we weren't trying, we were just letting God work and if he allowed me to become pregnant I would be happy and if not, it would come later. Well, over the past year that is definitely NOT how I was viewing it. I was just devastated every month when I wasn't pregnant. I know that we didn't have fertility issues but I was getting impatient and just didn't understand why it was proving to be so difficult. I wasn't the only one being let down either. Jordan was disappointed each month, even though at first he only went along with it because he knew I wanted it so much. Other than not getting pregnant I was doing pretty good with the grieving and getting over it.


And then February 7th came. What was to supposed to have been my due date. I still wasn't pregnant and it was a rough time. I just broke down that morning in the shower and had to take off work. I allowed myself to wallow in my self-pity for the day and just be sad for the loss that we had experienced. I know that sounds crazy but I think I just needed to acknowledge the day that should have represented such a wonderful time and a new phase of our lives and let myself grieve all of the plans that we had made and then lost. I was fine after that and went on with my life, being thankful for all of the blessing we've been given. But still somewhat bitter that I still wasn't able to pull out Addison's Big Sister shirt again.

In April, after about 7 months of not getting pregnant, I decided that I was spending too much time and effort trying to make things happen (things that I can't control) and that I really needed to focus on other things. I'd been putting off making plans in the future because I was planning out pregnancies that weren't happening (ex. I wouldn't commit to trips because I might be too big if I got pregnant). So I decided to take some online classes to finally finish my Associates Degree and to start running. I ran for about 2 months and really enjoyed it. I stopped because I was too busy with my classes (they started mid may) and because it just got WAY too hot to be outside, much less running! I felt more at peace with not being pregnant and decided that, although I wasn't completely abandoning my efforts, I wasn't going to stress and obsess over it anymore.

Finally on July 24, after 10 months of waiting and stressing, crying and frustration, and 11 months to the day after losing the baby, I saw two little purple lines on the pregnancy test!! I was so excited and so scared all at the same time. Jordan and I just stood and looked at the test and hugged and cried. We told our parents, family and close friends the next week. I've been super nauseous, which started around 5 weeks and has only intensified. I am not complaining at all since I'm taking the morning sickness as a good sign. I was, after all, really sick with Addison and not so much with pregnancy #2.

It's different this time. Of course I'm thrilled beyond words to finally be pregnant again but I'm having a harder time actually planning things out with this baby. Not that I'm waiting for something bad to happen, but the possibility is present in my mind. We went to the doctor the day after my birthday (great timing, I know. I refused to go on my birthday, August 24, the day we couldn't find a heart beat last year. I'm not superstitious but I just wasn't putting myself through that emotional ride). We were able to get a lot of information at my appointment. I'm due April 6th, although I think it might actually be a bit sooner than that. That puts me at 8 weeks. The doctor discussed our last pregnancy and the complications in more detail than we had been told before. She said that the thickening at the back of the baby's neck meant that there was most definitely a chromosomal problem with the baby (i.e. down's syndrome). When chromosomal issues are present in a pregnancy, there is a greater chance of second trimester miscarriage. We had been told back when it happened that there was an obtrusion on the back of the baby's neck and that there was a possibility that it could've been chromosomal, but we weren't really told with any amount of certainty. I actually felt that the doctors were just trying to console me and tell me that it happened due to nothing that I did.

Back to my appointment, the doctor let us know that the chances of us having another child with chromosomal issues is very slim and that 95% of the time it's just a fluke that it happens. She discussed the option of doing the first trimester screening, which screens for Down's Syndrome, trisomy 18 and trisomy 13. The screening is non-invasive and is done using a combination of ultrasound measurements of the nuchal translucency (the back of the baby's neck) and my blood work. It is done between 11 and 13 weeks. The bad thing is that it is not a definitive test and there is a somewhat high percentage that you can be in the positive range without having anything wrong with the baby. The only way to find out for sure (if you were in the positive range) if there were chromosomal issues would be to do an amniocentesis. So Jordan and I decided that we did want to do the screening, although even if we were in the positive range, we still wouldn't do an amnio. We just thought that we were going to worry over this pregnancy weather we did the screening or not so we are just hoping to get a negative result to give us a bit of peace of mind.

So, my next appointment is on September 26th and we will have an ultrasound and do the screening. We are praying for a healthy baby and that I will be able to calm down and not worry so much...

Oh, and Addison is super excited to be a big sister! And she is totally convinced that she is going to have a sister. I guess she'll be in for a wake-up call if its a boy!