Post I Can't Seem to Finish

I don't know all the different places/directions this post is going to go, but I'm sure it won't be organized. I've been working on this post for the past 2 weeks and just can't seem to finish it...


It's been a while since my last post. I don't have any good excuse for not writing besides not having time or just not feeling it. I do feel like I'm in a better place than I was a couple weeks ago. I'm still healing and grieving but I'm not consumed by loss and sadness anymore. I have moments that I'm really sad and let my mind wander, thinking of all the things I should be preparing for and worrying over. I still think of things that I was going to have to do before February when the baby came but then I catch myself and those thoughts are immediately replaced by emptiness and slight bitterness. I'm not angry at God and I have accepted my situation, but that doesn't mean that I don't still feel disappointed and frustrated. I've been in the middle of conversations with friends, talking about babies or the second child or future plans and I have to really think before I say things. I was in the mindset of having another baby in February for almost four months and its hard to just make my preset thoughts change overnight. I know I've had a month to adjust but things still hop into my head at any given moment. I'm still feeling the sting at times.


I've been thinking about timing of when to plan for another baby. It still really stresses me out. Although my last pregnancy was not 100% planned (it was 100% wanted) and caught us a bit by surprise, I was very content with the spacing God was giving us between children. Now, after I had decided that 21 months was going to be a wonderful age difference between Addison and Baby #2 and that it was exactly what I wanted, I have to accept that that is no longer in God's plan for our family. I still would like to have our kids close in age. That leads me to trying to decided weather I can handle the stress and worry that I know would come with being pregnant again right now or wait a little while. I also have the added stress of paying for the miscarriage and D&C (which from the Insurance explanation of benefits, looks like its going to be nearly as much as having Addison. lovely. It costs as much to have a tiny baby taken from you as it does to birth a healthy, full-term baby) and wondering how long that will take to pay that off before we'll have more hospital bills with the cost of having another baby... The financial aspect doesn't bother me as much as the emotional horrors that await me when I'm pregnant again (It will be a long, stressful, worrisome 40 weeks when it happens). Jordan is more caught up on the financial side. It's a lot to think about. I'm praying for guidance.


On to lighter things. (I really didn't mean for this to be a downer post. And I really do feel better overall but there is not a moment that goes by that I'm not thinking about it in some aspect.) So I think I might have caught the Pandora bug. No, I'm not getting sick. For those of you that don't know what Pandora is (first, go to website and browse) it is a brand of jewelry. What I am particularly interested in is the bracelets with beautiful, interchangeable beads. They can be quite expensive, if you buy them new from jewelry stores. That's why I am looking on Ebay! I'm not really all that concerned about having the "real" thing and I'm okay with the cheaper options that are available. I can see this turning into something that will be time consuming. I'll have my co-worker, Sonya to thank for that. :)

Addison has been such a mess! She has a huge personality and really is starting (or continuing, rather) to talk a lot. She calls me Momma and sometimes Mommy (although normally when I'm trying to get her to say Mommy, she say Yummy-she is a total food-oriented baby!). She calls Tripp "Bip" so we'll hear her saying "NO, NO, Bip!!" She's starting to say GranDee and Grandpa. She still says Dadda (occasionally Daddy), Nana, and Pawpaw (for my dad and Jordan's dad). She's also started to say Ellett ("Ay-Yett") and tells him to come on (Ellett is her 10 month old cousin that Gena keeps also. They are together 3 out of 5 days per week). It's really cute to hear her try to imitate what we say. We laugh at her and she just grins so big and is so proud of herself. One of my favorite parts of the day is when I'm driving Addison home after picking her up in the evenings. We talk and sing and make faces at each other in the car (in the mirror-don't worry, I'm a very careful driver). I just love seeing that little face crinkle into a grin and hearing that adorable little voice sing along with the songs I'm singing, especially after I've been away from her at work all day. We enjoy going on walks in the evenings with Daddy and "Bip". We have a great, shadowy area to walk near our house and try to take advantage of the slightly cooler weather right before the sun goes down. Addison just chills back in her stroller and takes everything in. I'm so glad that she likes to ride in her stroller.

We've been staying pretty busy and its been fun. I mentioned in an earlier post that we now have a car lot. That has taken lots of time, but its been fun because we both enjoy spending time with our business partners, Kirby and Dustin. Kirby works with Jordan and we've been friends with her and her family for several years now. They have two boys, Banyon-4 yrs and Sylas-2 yrs (They are 20 months apart. It was neat for me to see kids at almost the same age difference ours were going to be.) The boys and Addison play pretty good together. Addison and Sylas are almost exactly one year apart and they don't always know how and when to share things. Banyon is definitely the older sibling and likes to be in charge. They have had to play and keep each other occupied while we try to figure out all of the in's and out's of selling cars. We've already sold several, too quickly to keep anything on the lot. It's really exciting to be involved with the starting of a business, especially when it has a lot of potential to do well (we think it does, anyway!). Our official name is Pay Here Auto Sales. We chose that to highlight the fact that we will finance cars if you don't have the cash on hand to buy it. I won't bore you with all of the details, but it's definitely been a learning experience. There are a ton of papers that have to be filled out (and notarized) (and all done exactly the way the DMV wants it) and it was certainly intimating for the first sale. It's been fun so far!

I guess that's all I have in me right now. Hopefully I'll be back before next month (and with some more interesting happenings).