Big Sister

Yesterday Gena told me how much of a helper Addison is turning into. She likes to bring Ellett things when her Nana asks her to. It's really hard for me to see how good she is with Ellett and how loving she is with her baby dolls. All I can think about is how good of a big sister she would've made in just 5 months. I can also see that she gets jealous of Ellett, too. I know that she'll be a good big sister when the time comes, but I was so worried about how she would be at only 21 months as an older sibling. Now I can see her comprehending things, following directions and helping out when asked and I just wish that things had panned out differently and that our family was going to be spaced out as I had thought it was.

I still want to have our children be close in age. That leads me to having to deal with the question of when. When will we try again? I don't know the answer to that. I think that we aren't going to start trying right away. I feel like that would be stressful and that I need a break for a while from thinking about pregnancy related things. Not that I don't want to hear about other people's pregnancies or babies. I can deal with that and I don't want people to shy away from the topic because they don't want to hurt my broken heart more. Really, it's okay. I just don't want to think about myself being pregnant for a while. Several months at least. We'll just wait and see what God holds for our future.

I came across Addison's "big sister" shirt that I bought for her a few months ago. It's a long sleeved 2T and I keep thinking that she might not be able to wear it whenever the time comes. I'm thinking of getting a memory box to put all of the cards and pregnancy related things in. I keep thinking of different things that I want to put in a place to keep but get out of my sight for a while. I don't want to throw things away but I also don't want to be looking at them all the time. Things like my ultrasound pictures from my 8 week appointment, all the cards and messages people have given me, the miscarriage pamphlet from the hospital. Now Addison's Big Sister shirt may go in it too. I've been thinking of calling it my "heartbreak box." Too sad? I don't know... maybe I'll call it something else.

I feel like all I do is ramble and wallow in all my posts. I'm certainly not trying to have myself a great big pity party. This blog has just happened to become my outlet for getting some emotions out that I wouldn't necessarily express to anyone in person for fear of breaking down. If I get upset and start crying while typing a post then I can just stop and do something else, but a conversation with someone is a little different. I also have a hard time expressing how I feel when talking, so as I type, I get a chance to think about how to word things and how to get across what I'm really trying to. It's like my therapy right now. So just bear with me and I'm sure I'll get back to some happier thoughts soon (or maybe not too soon, but in time).