Lost

Lost...that's about how I'm feeling right now. I feel so alone and secluded at times even though I'm surrounded by people.

I went back to work yesterday. It went okay. I didn't break down and I made it through the whole day. I thought I was going to have to leave to go to the doctor when I started having some new side effects from my surgery that I was slightly alarmed by. (Reader's Beware: female symptoms about to be discussed). I had been cramping all day but during lunches it started getting really intense and quite painful. I stood up and realized that I'd started bleeding as well (which I was NOT prepared for and had to have one of my co-workers bring me a pair of pants to borrow. I felt like I was in middle school and having my period for the first time and not being prepared. I think a word like humiliated would suit the situation). Both of these are common after a D&C but I hadn't been having either one since the day after. I called the nurse from my OB/GYN doctor's office and she told me to monitor everything throughout the afternoon and over night. I was feeling better this morning but still experiencing some pain so I called back (as instructed). I was once again told to monitor and if it was still going on to come in to be seen by the doctor this afternoon.

So I went to work this morning. I was not feeling well but emotionally I was okay. I had a few moments where I just stared off into nothing but snapped out of it before the tears started flowing. This afternoon I called back to talk to the nurse and got an appointment to see Dr. Lipscomb. I knew it was going to be hard on me, emotionally, to go back to the last place that I experienced "normal"; the place that my world was shattered in front of my eyes. Trouble started as I checked in. The receptionist was trying to figure out if I needed to pay my co-payment or not then said "Oh. You're an OB patient aren't you?" (OB patient is what you are referred to as when you are pregnant and you see the Obstetrician. If you are at the woman doctor for other issues you are seeing the Gynecologist...even though they are both the same doctor. Make sense? yeah, not really to me either.) I didn't really answer because the only thing I could think of was that I should still be an OB patient and that I wish that I still had a healthy baby growing inside me instead of having to have a dead baby sucked out of me. Then she couldn't really figure it out so she asked me what I was being seen for. So I had to tell her that I was having some issues following a D&C from a miscarriage. I wasn't mad at her because she wasn't out of line in any way but it was hard for me to go through everything when I was already nervous and slightly testy/moody.

I sat in the waiting room and then was called back by a couple of women that I didn't recognize as being nurses. I felt a bit bombarded by the lab-techs that called me because as soon as I was near them one told me that I was having blood work done, then going for an ultrasound and then back to see the doctor, oh and that she liked my shirt. Then, while I'm still processing all of this brand new information, they are trying to have fast-paced small talk and chit-chat about my shirt with me. I couldn't keep up, not that I was interested or cared. I'm not even sure I could tell you what shirt I had on. I guess just being there and in some pain was overwhelming me and I was extra emotional. I was very out-of-it and I'm sure I was full of blank stares that some found rude.

The ultrasound was just as awkward and confusing for me. Not that I was confused at what was happening but that I kept missing what I was supposed to be doing. I walked into the room and was expecting to pull up my shirt to have have the gel on my belly. Don't know why that's what I expected...I should have know that it would have to be trans-vaginal. So I stood there waiting on the ultrasound tech to tell me to hop up onto the table while she stood there waiting for me to go strip down in the little bathroom. As i laid on the little bed, I kept thinking of the last ultrasound that I had and the devastating result of that. I closed my eyes and tried to drift off during most of it. Anyway not a good experience.

My doctor was super nice as always and very good about explaining things to me and didn't make me feel like I was an inconvenience or being stupidly cautious over nothing. He took my concerns seriously, hence the blood work and the ultrasound. Fortunately he didn't think that there was any kind of complication and the ultrasound showed that there wasn't anything remaining in my uterus that shouldn't be there from the pregnancy. In fact the phrase used was, "the content of my uterus is empty." Empty. That's right. I'm empty. I know what empty feels like, that's what my problem is. I'm obviously internalizing his words and I know that he meant that my uterus is empty of anything that might be harming me. Anyway, after his examination Dr. Lipscomb felt that I might be getting an infection as a result of the surgery. So I'm currently taking an antibiotic twice a day as well as a medication that will make my uterus contract itself back down to a normal size (it's apparently still enlarged from the pregnancy). I'll take this every 6 hours for 24 hours. It will cause more cramping and a need to take 4 ibuprofen every six hours as well. Lovely. I hate taking medicine, but it seems that I'll be taking it for the next week at least.

When I checked out, I went to the same lady that checked me in. She asked if I needed to schedule another appointment and I told her that I already have one scheduled. She wanted to check it in her computer, but then got confused. I had to explain to her that I originally had an ultrasound (18 week, gender-revealing) scheduled for next Thursday which was cancelled (for obvious reasons) and a new post-op appointment was already set up for Wednesday. She then saw everything clearly and verified the date and time of my follow-up. By this point, I was nearly in tears and just wanted leave. I pretty much cried the whole way home, feeling emotionally drained and on the verge of tears for most of the evening (all, of course, while dealing with intense cramping). I've calmed down a lot but, honestly, I could still cry right now.

So overall my day was awful. I'm nervous about my pain level with the medication that I'm taking. I really don't want to have to miss yet another day of work so I'm hoping to be strong and make it through. I'm praying for strength, physically, but mainly emotionally. Going back to work has not been easy, but it's gone smoothly for the most part.

I'm not questioning God with "why?" and I've accepted that I lost my baby. I know that I'm young and shouldn't have any trouble getting pregnant again when we want to. I know that everything will work out and that God will give me the strength to move past this. But that doesn't make what I'm feeling any easier. At moments I feel fine and like I'm making progress but it seems like that is always followed by what seems like set-backs and break-downs. I know its normal. The pragmatist in me knows all of this. But the emotional side of me can't really accept it or process it or deal with. I don't really know how to explain it. I'm sure if you've ever experienced anything similar you can understand what I'm trying to express. If you haven't, I pray that you don't ever understand what I'm saying.

Lost...but searching through the darkness for my Way.