Now I know

Now I know why I wasn't gaining any more weight for the past three weeks.

Now I know why I wasn't feeling very hungry or nauseous recently.

Now I know why I felt so good, without many symptoms at all.

Now I know why I wasn't so emotional as most pregnant women are.

Now I know what it's like to experience an unexplained loss.

Now I know what miscarriage is.

I lost my baby. Today I went to the doctor for my regular check up. I was so excited and very much looking forward to being able to hear the baby's heartbeat on my birthday. After waiting in the lobby, seeing the nurse and answering a few routine questions, Dr. Miyazaki tried to locate the heartbeat with the doppler thing that they use. After 5 minutes of him of hearing nothing but static, sweaks, and my heartbeat he said I needed to have a scan done. As I was laying there and looking a the ceiling I felt an awful, sinking feeling and started pleading with God that the baby was okay and just in a funny position. I had to wait in a little sitting cubby for a few minutes before the ultrasound tech could see me. They were playing Christian music on the loudspeaker but all I could hear was the loud beating heart of a healthy baby that was also being proudly advertised over the speakers.

The sweet ultrasound tech came and got me and I held my breath as she put the slimy wand on my belly. Immediately my sweet, beautiful baby came up on the monitor but there was no flickering that should've been present. I knew. She looked for a few more seconds before gently rubbing my thigh and saying softly that "It doesn't look good. There's no heartbeat." I just started crying and she was so, so sweet about it. She said she had to look over some things and get some measurements but asked if I wanted to monitor left on or off. I composed myself for the most part and decided to watch as she looked over my baby, since that was the most I'd ever get to see of it. I called Jordan and told him to come to the doctor's office and before I could tell him he asked if we lost the baby. At that point I was crying again and feeling so alone. They took me back into the little sitting area (back to the loud thump of a healthy baby's striving heart) and I waited on Jordan to come and grieve with me. When Dr. Miyazaki came back over to me he embraced me in a such an understanding hug and said he was so, so sorry.

Jordan came in the room that they moved me into and we both lost it for a few minutes. Dr. Miyazaki went over some things with us and said that the baby had stopped living and growing when it was at 13 w 4 d. He stressed over and over again that when miscarriages happen after 12 weeks it's about a 90% chance that it is due to a chromosomal abnormality and that it was nothing that I'd done. He said the the baby had some kind of growth (or pocket of fluid, not really sure) on the back of it's head and neck and that was a huge indicator of something genetically not lining up. It had a name but I don't remember what it was. He went over the procedure that I would have to have done to remove the baby from my uterus. A D&C, Dilation and Curettage. This is where the cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus are removed via suction curettage. It's commonly performed following miscarriage in cases where the uterus fails to empty its content, as mine did. (It's also what is commonly performed for abortions in the first trimester, but I'm trying to block that from my memory.)

I went to the hospital where I was taken back to a pre-op room in GYN Surgery. Dr. Lipscomb was in the OR today so he preformed my D&C. He is also the same doctor that delivered Addison (the irony did not escape me). He was also very kind and understanding and also stressed that this did not happen due to anything that I had done. He also assured me that he didn't think I'd have any trouble getting pregnant or having a healthy baby in the future, since he knew my body had done it before. They don't think that it was because of any genetic defects that Jordan and I have together. We could pay to have the tissue sent off for testing but because the baby had already been dead for a few weeks it's doubtful that there would be any viable tissue to analyze.

I had a spinal block to numb me from the waist down and I was given medicine to somewhat sedate me and keep from remembering being in the OR. It worked because I think I slept through the whole thing (which only lasted less than an hour). The sweet anesthesia nurse let me listen to her i-pod which I only vaguely remember was playing contemporary Christian music. I had to wait about 2 hours for my legs to be able to hold me up and allow me to walk before I could leave to come home.

I rode home with Mom while Jordan and Dad went to get Jordan's truck and pick up food. Mom and I had to pick up my happy girl from her Nana and Papaw's. It was wonderful to see her and hear her precious voice saying "Mama". When we got home, my sister, Kyla, had washed all my dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and Jordan was arranging a beautiful bouquet of pink roses that he bought for me. He's been so great through all of this, but is full of grief too.

I had no indication that there was a problem with the baby except for a lack of symptoms which I assumed just meant that I was having a good uneventful pregnancy. I had no bleeding or discharge that would lead me to believe that the baby had died. When I am ever pregnant again in the future, I'm going to be a nervous wreck if I feel good. I knew I was pregnant during every passing minute with Addison because I felt pregnant, even before I was showing. This time, I had even made the comment the I didn't feel pregnant because I felt so good. Now, I know that I wasn't.

I've had an amazing amount of love and support from so many wonderful people and I am so thankful that God put them in my life. How people without faith get through tragedies like this is beyond me. I wouldn't have to strength without God giving it to me or giving me people to lift me up.

I cannot imagine how much more tough this would be if this had been my first pregnancy. I wouldn't have my beautiful girl to cheer me up and make my laugh. I wouldn't have the peace of mind that comes with knowing that I can have healthy babies.

Now I know what's its like to be awake at 2 AM, mourning over one baby but rejoicing in another one who is sound asleep in her crib.

Now I know how much pain and grief you feel after losing a baby that I never even got to meet.

Now I know that my baby is heaven and will never feel the pain of this world.

Now I know how it feels to enter the hospital carrying a baby and leave the hospital empty handed.

Now I know what is feels like to be empty inside.

**THANK YOU to everyone who has shown such love and support to Jordan and I. We know you're praying and it's carrying us through.**