How do I say Thank You?

I don't really know what I'm going to say tonight. It's been a tough few days, full of ups and downs, emotions and hormones, and a lot of "I just don't know"s. I've been completely overwhelmed by the response of people reaching out to us. We've had so many phone calls, flowers, cards, emails, FB messages, texts, prayers,visitors, food sent...I just don't know how to express my gratitude to everyone. There has been such an outpouring of love and support that I cannot even fully process right now. I've also been overwhelmed with the response of so many women who have brought their similar stories of loss to me. I don't really have a word to describe how this makes me feel. It's sad to hear of others who have been here but its a slight comfort (not the right word here, but what is??) to know that I can talk to these brave women when I feel ready. I think we are linked through our grief.

A few people who are close to me have said that I'm doing well and handling everything well, but I think I must just be able to mask things well. I have moments where I am fine, but in private I have great anxiety about seeing people and talking about it and about not responding after being reached out to. I feel bad about not saying "Thank You" quickly enough or not having much of anything at all to say. I so appreciate everything, but I just can't cope with all of the emotions I'm feeling right now. I have all of these thoughts in my head and I just can't really turn them into words right now. I feel like I won't get through the first sentence of most conversations without sobbing. But time and God will heal... I'm waiting on it to come...

These days I lose it in the drop of a hat and can cry at just about anything if it hits me the wrong way. Jordan is probably the only one who has seen me be fine and then breakdown, then fine, then breakdown, etc., etc. I think I get lost in thought sometimes and just have a glazed over look. Normally this is what happens right before I start crying again. If I'm feeling pretty good and start to enjoy myself, I start to feel guilty. I know that I'm healing and in the moving-on process but it's hard to know just how to act or what to do. I don't want to stay at home all day, coped up in the house just because I'm scared to death of interacting with people but I have so, so much anxiety over being in a public place, alone, and surrounded by people who know me and the situation. I feel comforted in the anonymity of being around people that don't know me. If I'm around someone who knows then I have to talk about things and I feel the weight of unspoken expectations. This is all in theory, of course, since I haven't really put myself in a situation like this because I obviously have irrational fears. I'm working on it. Maybe tomorrow I'll get out and talk to people other than family.

Anyway, the whole point of this post wasn't to tell everyone that I'm avoiding them right now (which isn't really how it is but it probably seems that way...), but to say a huge Thank You! I seem to have completely messed up in getting that across... But really I so, so appreciate every little thing that has been done for us. I treasure every message and card that I've received (I'm planning on printing everything out and keeping a book of cards and sweet messages of support). Just knowing how many prayers are going up on our behalf is a huge comfort. I'm thanking God everyday to have to wonderful support and love that He's given us.

All that to say: THANKS!!!