The weekend

We had a good, fast-paced weekend.



Friday was a busy day at work. I work at SECU and we had member appreciation day with our kid's mascot FAT CAT (my manager, haha) in attendance. Kyla brought Addison to see him and to eat lunch with Mommy. We had so much fun. She was intrigued with FAT CAT and wasn't scared of him until she saw him take his head off. She still didn't cry or scream but she ran up to me and held onto me for dear life. I held her and she refused to move at all in my arms, just clinged onto me. It was cute. As soon as he put to costume head back on she was fine and even was "calling" (here, kitty, kitty, kitty...) him to get his attention. Addison also decided that it was great fun to walk around from person to person begging them for "bips" (chips) and "tuk-dies" (cookies).



My Mom turned 50 last week and we had a small family dinner to celebrate then. What she didn't know was that my dad, sister and I were planning a surprise party for her for this past Saturday. Kyla and I were busy planning, buying and preparing food and decorations for the party and my mom couldn't figure out why we were hanging out so much and not cluing her in to what we were spending our time doing. I just knew that she would figure it out because she always figures things out early. But she ended up not having a clue about it and we really got her good! It was fun and I hope that she enjoyed it!



Later Saturday night we went to a friends house for an early Halloween costume party. First we went to Jordan's sister's house and put Addison to bed there. She only lives a few houses down from the party. Jordan went as Caesar complete with toga, wrist bands and headband and I was a black cat, although I think it looked a bit more like cat woman. I'm not really into costumes for adults (mostly because the woman's costumes are all so, so trashy and I'm not very creative to be able to come up with my own ideas) so I didn't have any old costumes laying around or any inclination to buy one so I wore dark jeans, tall, black boots, a black turtleneck then added a cat mask and tail. Yeah, it was kind of cheesy but I figure I can wear it again when we take Addison trick or treating because she's going to be a kitty cat (white and pink and super cute!). Also in attendance were a witch, a monk, a Scotsman (in a kilt), a policeman, Betty from the Flintstone's (adorable), a nerd girl, and my favorite, Russel and Walter from the movie UP!. They were so, so cute. The girl was Russel with the little boy scout uniform and backpack with balloons tied to it and her boyfriend was Walter with baby powered hair and walking stick with tennis balls on the ends. They just needed a big bird named Kevin and a golden retriever named Dug and they would have had the whole cast!



The party was fun! We ate and played games and watched funny you-tube videos. A few of my friends were there and we broke off from the party and were having some great girl talk. Right in the middle of laughing and having fun I kind of sarcastically joked something about how I should have been pregnant and had to have been dressed as a big pumpkin. I normally don't talk much about my miscarriage and I'm still not really sure why anything about it came out of my mouth but when it did, all of a sudden I was sobbing. I felt so bad for being a downer, but those girls, Kirby and Katie, were so sweet and supportive. They embraced me and talked to me and we all shared different struggles that we are all facing. I'm actually kind of glad that I had my mini-break-down because I obviously needed to get it off my chest right then. I also feel like it brought us closer. We have decided that we need to start having a "girl's day/night" at least once a month and the first one is scheduled for this weekend. I'm excited about it!



I feel fine most of the time even though I still think about losing the baby and not being pregnant a whole lot, I'm just not letting it consume me. I have so many positive things in my life and so many blessings to count from God. I know that no one expects me to "be over it" and I'm still grieving, but sometimes the grief just sneaks up on me. Friday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. So I was thinking about it even more than normal but didn't really make myself the time to process it. I was so busy and consumed in party planning and costuming and taking care of Addison that I didn't really let myself "go there". I also think I was trying to avoid it. I have such conflicted feelings because I want to be over it (although I know I never will be) but I also feel bad if I'm not thinking about it and still grieving. I think of the women and families that have lost babies multiple times or other family members that they really knew and loved and I feel that what they are going through has to be worse than what I'm going through. But I guess grief is what it is in any circumstance and maybe it's like sins. Although we want to see it that way, no one sin is any worse than another sin in God's eyes. As humans we like to add degrees to everything or turn it into a "good" to "bad" scale. Maybe it's to make more sense of things and add organization or maybe just to make ourselves feel better about things we have done... I don't know.



I'm rambling...again. This was supposed to be about the weekend and yet I've made it about grief, like I always end up doing. I really am doing much better and I'm happy.



Our weekend was a good one, even if I just laid around the house Sunday afternoon and got nothing better done than catching up on watching my DVRed shows. :) I have a huge pile of laundry to do, but that's okay!

*I have some pictures to add but I can't get it done at the moment so I may come back and update. Or I might just do a separate post... Stay tuned. :)*

Counting Blessings

God is ABLE to do ABUNDANTLY, EXCEEDINGLY more than ALL you can ASK or IMAGINE. Ephesians 3:20

I'm counting my blessings right now. And I'm overwhelmed with how many there are to count. God has blessed Jordan and I so, so much and I'm trying my hardest to not take anything for granted. There are so many bad things that I could to choose to focus on, but I want to be optimistic instead of a downer. We have so many things that are changing and unstable and decisions to make that are being based on how other things turn out. I'm trying to not stress over things and take every new day as it comes at me.

Be anxious for NOTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6

I've recently been reevaluating my walk with God and I'm seeing so many flaws on my end (and not surprisingly-none on HIS end. haha). I'm working at being more patient, less quick to judge, more compassionate and a better listener, among many, many more things. My prayer life is not where it needs to be, so I'm working on getting it back to where it once was and where it should be.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18

I'm also working on reading the bible more. I thought about finding a devotional book to help me along with it, but that task alone seems daunting to me, so I figured the best way to get into God's word is to dive right in. I now get daily emails from one year bible online that gives me the link to an old testament passage, a new testament passage, and a little bit of Psalms and Proverbs each day. I like that set up because you get a little bit of easy-to-read with the harder-to-read.

I'm not telling you this to brag, but to help me to be accountable. I'm also hoping to encourage others to join in and re-evaluate your own walk with God.

Also, please be in prayer for my sister, Kyla. She's one of the reasons I'm trying to do better and make wiser decisions. She has recently made some major changes in her life and is striving to do good and follow God. It's been a rough transition for her and is not made easier by the fact that she has bi-polar mood disorder. This means she struggles with depression and manias and making out-of-character decisions. Kyla has made such a courageous change in her life. It's never easy to cut out things that you enjoy or that give you immediate gratification, even when you know they are wrong. I'm praying for her to be at peace with her decisions and accept that she may always have to struggle with her mood disorder. I'm praying for her to be able to let go of the guilt that she feels and know that God has 100% forgiven her. I'm praying for guidance as I talk to her and help her move along with her life.

Happy Monday!

Little Miss Silly Pants

So Addison is just adorable. I know everyone already knows this, but I have to say it!

We had a really good weekend. Saturday she and I met my dad for breakfast at Bojangles (yumm, sausage gravy biscuits!) then went back home and did laundry and cleaned and played. I cleaned out her dresser and closet, which was a huge undertaking. She did so good the whole time. She played with toys in her crib for about 45 minutes then played in the laundry basket, haha. I took pictures of her in there while she was having a blast and will post them later.

She kept trying to pull up on the edge of the basket. She is getting so big and is turning into a...TODDLER!

I now have about 4 large diaper boxes full of clothes that Addison can no longer fit into. I'm keeping them for hopes that maybe one day I'll be able to use them for another little girl. It was sad to see some of those adorable outfits being boxed up, knowing that there is the possibility that I may never have the chance to dress another little baby in them. I'll deal with that on another day, though. For now, boxes go in the attic with out another thought. I was also able to bring out some clothes I'd been waiting for her to grow into.

It was so nice to be at home and have motivation to be productive while being there all day. I have a hard time finding the energy and drive to get a lot of housework done on the weekends when I actually have the time to do it. But after last weekend's 7 load laundry marathon, I decided to make sure I stay on top of it. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm doing good with it and not even dreading it. I feel good when I've been productive (as long as I ignore the backache from carrying all those clothes up and down the stairs a million times, haha). I ended up washing nearly every blanket in my house, as well as the clothes we dirtied up over the last week. It was so nice to feel caught up.

Sunday was a bit different. Addison has been having a hard time going to sleep at bedtime (ex: She didn't go to sleep until after 10 on Friday night. We started the normal 20 minute bedtime routine at 8. Every time we held her, she would go to sleep but every time we laid her down in her crib and walked away, she would wake up and scream.) I think all of this is from teething (mainly because I don't know what else it would be). Back to Sunday. Addison was very clingy and hard to satisfy all day. She was extremely fussy on Sunday morning, refusing to nap and I since I woke up feeling super crummy, we didn't make it to church. It wasn't a horrible day and Addison wasn't bad just high maintenance and needy. I still enjoyed my day at home with her little sweet self. I like to get a taste of what its like to be a stay at home mom. I can't decide if I would love it or hate it. Most days I lean toward the loving it. I can dream right?

Last night, Addison was so much fun! We ate at Jordan's parents. They have the walker for when Gena keeps Addison and because she can get around better at their house. We put her in there and she zooms all over that house. She has already claimed a couple drawers in the kitchen and will open them and reach in and pull out whatever she can grab. She was in a great mood and back to her-in-to-everything-self.

After we got back home Addison was playing in the living room floor while Jordan was watching her and I was getting a load of laundry ready to was (I know, it really NEVER ends). As I walked through the living room with my arms full of clothes, I was watching Addison play.

I see her look intently at something on the rug.

Then I see her pudgy hand reach out and grab (with her fore finger and thumb...Developmental milestone: pincer grasp, check!) a tiny little piece of paper.

As I drop the huge amount of clothes in my arms and run over to her, she does what she does with everything she grabs, puts it in her mouth. I got to her just as she popped this tiny little piece of candy wrapper and proceed to pry open her mouth and look down her throat. I see it stuck on the roof of her mouth, the tiny yellow culprit, and feel the pull of certain chocking and suffocation looming in the air. I yell for Jordan to come over and help me pin her down to get it out of her mouth. Addison is trying to figure out why I won't let her sit up and play and is refusing to be still. Reason comes back to me and I realize that 1) Addison is NOT going to be still enough for me to safely put my hand in her mouth to grab it and get it out, 2) I'm pretty sure that you are never supposed to stick your finger in a baby's mouth in order to retrieve a foreign object in fear of lodging said object further down baby's throat and 3) the little piece of candy wrapper is not being swallowed or chocked on (yet) therefore I do not need to freak out (yet)! So we calmly let her play while we watched her like a hawk. I made a few attempts to swipe the paper out of her mouth, but couldn't get it. I had to walk into the kitchen for a minute and I heard her coughing, so I ran back over to her. Jordan was holding her with a triumphant look on his face and said he got it. Addison was still trying to figure out what just happened and really just wanted to play some more.

Then I finally put her to bed and it went a lot easier than it has been. I went to bed at 11:15 and woke up around midnight-ish to sheets/blankets moving around. I turned on the video monitor and Addison is rolling around like crazy.

She wasn't being vocal at all, so I tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but she just kept moving around. So about 30 minutes later I looked at her again. She had turned completely around and scooted down to the other end of her crib where she found the toys she'd been playing with form the day before. She was wide awake and having the best time playing with her toys. As tired as I was, I couldn't do anything but laugh at her. She's just so darn cute! She was rolling around and started to talk to her toys as she picked them up. After about 15 minutes of just watching her play, I went in the there and she greeted me with the biggest grin ever! My heart just melts every time she smiles, especially when its at me! I nursed her and she calmed down and finally when back to sleep after I laid her down.

That silly girl! She is into everything! I love her so much and the though of anything happening to her terrifies me! This is where I trust in God to keep her safe. This is where I ask God for guidance as a parent. This is where I plead with Him not to take her away from me.

Thankful

I am sitting here at work anxiously awaiting my 1:00 lunch hour. I am trying not to drool. We all brought food today which has resulted in a very nice pre-Thanksgiving day spread. I can smell the turkey and dressing, broccoli casserole and green beans, chocolate cake and sweet potato roll-ups... the list goes on. As I'm dreaming of devouring it all, I can't help but think of those who are not a blessed as I am, who don't have the huge spread of delicious foods and treats. There are people who won't get anything to eat at all, and here I am hoping that the mound of food will be cooked to my liking and hoping that the turkey isn't dry. Wow, I feel so shallow. So I just want to remind you (as well as myself) that sometime amongst the hustle and bustle of the holidays, be mindful of those who are not as fortunate as you. Say a prayer and donate something that you don't need (or time-that is almost more welcome than money a lot of times) to a worthy cause. I hope to be able to bless someone this holiday season.

I hope everyone has great Thanksgiving! Take a moment to praise God for everything that you are thankful for; and maybe even some things you aren't. :)

Prayers and Praises!

This post has been a long time in the making. I have been meaning to get in published, and have had the hardest time finishing it. Here are some things that have been weighing heavy on my heart and that really need prayers right now.


*Jordan's dad, Jeff, was laid off from job he'd been at for 12+ years back in March and has been trying to get another one ever since. Last month he started a new job and is very thankful to have one, but I know he'd like something different, so I've been praying for the right thing to come along for him. He is so deserving and is such a hard worker.


*Jordan's mom, Gena, has been going through a lot of stress for quite some time. She has had knee trouble all summer, has had surgery on it once already, and is now going back to the doctor to see about a full knee replacement. On top of all this, her parents (Jordan's grandparents) who have been in declining health, moving in with Jeff and Gena at the end of the summer. They require lots of constant care and it's hard for Gena to care for them with her knee. Also with the move, Jeff and Gena had to move to their upstairs bedroom so you can imagine the effort it takes Gena to go up and down the steps all day long. Pray for both Gena and her parents health.


*Jordan's uncle, Greg, has cancer and is in the hospital for the umpteenth time since this spring when he was diagnosed. His cancer started in his lungs and now has spread to his bones, brain, everywhere. It's so sad to see him go through this. He's going through chemo and radiation, but he has kept a really positive attitude during it all. Jordan's cousin just died this summer from breast cancer (She was only 40 and left behind two children, who are 6 and 8) so his grandparents are having a really hard time with this. Can you imagine losing your granddaughter, then seeing your son go through such a hard, seemingly hopeless ordeal with cancer? They really need to be lifted up right now.


*Jordan's sister, Lori, is pregnant right now and due on Dec. 3rd. This is her second pregnancy and it has been bad from the get-go. She had morning sickness all during first first trimester, making her feel pretty crappy. Then after about two weeks into her second trimester she developed kidney stones. They would get slightly better, then worse. It was determined that the stones were too big to pass on one side, but they couldn't do the surgery to go in and break up the stones since she was pregnant. So after several other surgeries, hospital stays, a nicked nerve (talk about super painful!!), bacterial infections, heavy contractions and tons of pain meds, the doctors have decided that they will induce her next Thursday (Nov 5th) at 36 weeks. This is great news for Lori that they aren't going to wait until later in her pregnancy to induce, but that means the baby will be pretty small. I don't know if they are going to give her anything to boost the lung development. Then they still will have to wait two weeks to do the surgery to break up the kidney stones. The pain won't end with the birth of the baby. So please pray for Lori to stay as healthy and comfortable as possible until next week. Pray for her delivery to go smoothly and that she will NOT have to have a C-Section. Pray that the baby is healthy. Also pray for her husband, Brent. He has done so great with taking care of her through all of this, but is ready to have Lori back to her healthy self.


*Jordan's oldest sister, Dena, is going through a rough time with her new husband right now. I don't want to go into details, but she needs your prayers, as well as prayers for her three kids.

*My sister, Kyla, is going through a divorce right now (Need I say anymore??). She has low points that come with the realizations of just how different her life is and how much change she is going through. It's really a good thing for her to be free of him, but it's still really tough at times. Just pray for her to be strong and to not lose her faith as she deals with life's challenges. Also pray for my family as we support her through this process.

* Pray for all of my pregnant friends out there. Ashlea (BOY) due March 7th, Chasity (BOY) due March 28th, Kathy due in April (12th, I think), Keli due May 27th, and Holly due May 29th. Pregnancy is difficult, physically and emotionally and I'm praying for the good health of all of these girls and their precious little ones.


*Pray for Jonah and Patrice and Matt. You should really read her blog if you don't already. She is so funny and such an inspiration. Jonah is her little 8 month old son, who has a genetic disease called EB (don't know how to spell the whole name out, but it is almost always refered to as EB). They are making the most out of their situation and loving their little boy and God.


*Praise God that so far this flu season Addison is a healthy little girl with no signs of getting sick. (**and thankfully her Mommy and Daddy aren't sick yet either!**)


*Praise God for good friends and family!!



*I have a lot of other things on my heart, but I would rather keep them between me and God. Nothing too big, but I always have things that I need to pray over. Who doesn't??

October 28, 2007

Today is the anniversary of my Grandpa's death two years ago. He died after a long battle with cancer, one that he fought so bravely. And he didn't let go until after he defied the Doctor's death predictions many times over, living a good two years after the first time he was supposed to have died from his cancer. I know that he is in a much better place a PERFECT place, but I still miss him so much. He was such a wonderful, Godly man and was an example of a great husband, Dad, Grandpa, and Great Paw-Paw.

I remember his funeral as a happy and celebratory time knowing he was now home in heaven with no more suffering, but also with lots of sad emotions knowing that he would no longer be there smiling at us. There were tons of tears as we reflected on times spent with him, but also lots of laughter. He was just the best Grandpa and knew just how to make you smile. He loved each and every one of his 5 kids, 11 grandkids, and 14 (at the time, now 17) great-grandkids. His funeral also brought our entire family together. I'm so thankful for being brought up in a Christian family. Although we were all so saddened by his death, we were all able to rejoice in the fact that Grandpa was with the Lord. He died on a Sunday morning and my sister made the comment that he made in home just in time for worship, and what a time of worship that must have been.

I will never forget all of the hundreds of people who crowded into the funeral home to pay their respects to this wonderful man and his huge family. I'm so thankful for all of the support and love we were shown during that time of mourning rejoicing.

And last year on my Grandpa's birthday, September 21st, I discovered that God was adding to the McDaniel clan, when my pregnancy test came out positive. I so wish that Grandpa had been around to meet my beautiful little blessing. He would have loved her big cheeks and cute little smile! And she would have loved staring at his loving blue eyes and great big smile!

I'm just thankful that I was able to spend 21 years in my Grandpa's love and it makes me realize that my Father's love is just that much more perfect!

Thank you, God for giving me such a loving, godly man to be my Grandpa and allowing his love to be a small sample of the tremendous love that you have for me all the time. Thank you for giving me a beautiful baby girl and help me to remember to pass on her Great Paw-Paw's love everyday, and to tell her about her Father's perfect love! In Jesus' name, Amen.