Lost

Lost...that's about how I'm feeling right now. I feel so alone and secluded at times even though I'm surrounded by people.

I went back to work yesterday. It went okay. I didn't break down and I made it through the whole day. I thought I was going to have to leave to go to the doctor when I started having some new side effects from my surgery that I was slightly alarmed by. (Reader's Beware: female symptoms about to be discussed). I had been cramping all day but during lunches it started getting really intense and quite painful. I stood up and realized that I'd started bleeding as well (which I was NOT prepared for and had to have one of my co-workers bring me a pair of pants to borrow. I felt like I was in middle school and having my period for the first time and not being prepared. I think a word like humiliated would suit the situation). Both of these are common after a D&C but I hadn't been having either one since the day after. I called the nurse from my OB/GYN doctor's office and she told me to monitor everything throughout the afternoon and over night. I was feeling better this morning but still experiencing some pain so I called back (as instructed). I was once again told to monitor and if it was still going on to come in to be seen by the doctor this afternoon.

So I went to work this morning. I was not feeling well but emotionally I was okay. I had a few moments where I just stared off into nothing but snapped out of it before the tears started flowing. This afternoon I called back to talk to the nurse and got an appointment to see Dr. Lipscomb. I knew it was going to be hard on me, emotionally, to go back to the last place that I experienced "normal"; the place that my world was shattered in front of my eyes. Trouble started as I checked in. The receptionist was trying to figure out if I needed to pay my co-payment or not then said "Oh. You're an OB patient aren't you?" (OB patient is what you are referred to as when you are pregnant and you see the Obstetrician. If you are at the woman doctor for other issues you are seeing the Gynecologist...even though they are both the same doctor. Make sense? yeah, not really to me either.) I didn't really answer because the only thing I could think of was that I should still be an OB patient and that I wish that I still had a healthy baby growing inside me instead of having to have a dead baby sucked out of me. Then she couldn't really figure it out so she asked me what I was being seen for. So I had to tell her that I was having some issues following a D&C from a miscarriage. I wasn't mad at her because she wasn't out of line in any way but it was hard for me to go through everything when I was already nervous and slightly testy/moody.

I sat in the waiting room and then was called back by a couple of women that I didn't recognize as being nurses. I felt a bit bombarded by the lab-techs that called me because as soon as I was near them one told me that I was having blood work done, then going for an ultrasound and then back to see the doctor, oh and that she liked my shirt. Then, while I'm still processing all of this brand new information, they are trying to have fast-paced small talk and chit-chat about my shirt with me. I couldn't keep up, not that I was interested or cared. I'm not even sure I could tell you what shirt I had on. I guess just being there and in some pain was overwhelming me and I was extra emotional. I was very out-of-it and I'm sure I was full of blank stares that some found rude.

The ultrasound was just as awkward and confusing for me. Not that I was confused at what was happening but that I kept missing what I was supposed to be doing. I walked into the room and was expecting to pull up my shirt to have have the gel on my belly. Don't know why that's what I expected...I should have know that it would have to be trans-vaginal. So I stood there waiting on the ultrasound tech to tell me to hop up onto the table while she stood there waiting for me to go strip down in the little bathroom. As i laid on the little bed, I kept thinking of the last ultrasound that I had and the devastating result of that. I closed my eyes and tried to drift off during most of it. Anyway not a good experience.

My doctor was super nice as always and very good about explaining things to me and didn't make me feel like I was an inconvenience or being stupidly cautious over nothing. He took my concerns seriously, hence the blood work and the ultrasound. Fortunately he didn't think that there was any kind of complication and the ultrasound showed that there wasn't anything remaining in my uterus that shouldn't be there from the pregnancy. In fact the phrase used was, "the content of my uterus is empty." Empty. That's right. I'm empty. I know what empty feels like, that's what my problem is. I'm obviously internalizing his words and I know that he meant that my uterus is empty of anything that might be harming me. Anyway, after his examination Dr. Lipscomb felt that I might be getting an infection as a result of the surgery. So I'm currently taking an antibiotic twice a day as well as a medication that will make my uterus contract itself back down to a normal size (it's apparently still enlarged from the pregnancy). I'll take this every 6 hours for 24 hours. It will cause more cramping and a need to take 4 ibuprofen every six hours as well. Lovely. I hate taking medicine, but it seems that I'll be taking it for the next week at least.

When I checked out, I went to the same lady that checked me in. She asked if I needed to schedule another appointment and I told her that I already have one scheduled. She wanted to check it in her computer, but then got confused. I had to explain to her that I originally had an ultrasound (18 week, gender-revealing) scheduled for next Thursday which was cancelled (for obvious reasons) and a new post-op appointment was already set up for Wednesday. She then saw everything clearly and verified the date and time of my follow-up. By this point, I was nearly in tears and just wanted leave. I pretty much cried the whole way home, feeling emotionally drained and on the verge of tears for most of the evening (all, of course, while dealing with intense cramping). I've calmed down a lot but, honestly, I could still cry right now.

So overall my day was awful. I'm nervous about my pain level with the medication that I'm taking. I really don't want to have to miss yet another day of work so I'm hoping to be strong and make it through. I'm praying for strength, physically, but mainly emotionally. Going back to work has not been easy, but it's gone smoothly for the most part.

I'm not questioning God with "why?" and I've accepted that I lost my baby. I know that I'm young and shouldn't have any trouble getting pregnant again when we want to. I know that everything will work out and that God will give me the strength to move past this. But that doesn't make what I'm feeling any easier. At moments I feel fine and like I'm making progress but it seems like that is always followed by what seems like set-backs and break-downs. I know its normal. The pragmatist in me knows all of this. But the emotional side of me can't really accept it or process it or deal with. I don't really know how to explain it. I'm sure if you've ever experienced anything similar you can understand what I'm trying to express. If you haven't, I pray that you don't ever understand what I'm saying.

Lost...but searching through the darkness for my Way.

Not much

I always say I don't have much to blog about and then end up with a really long post (normally full of nothing-ness) so we'll see on this one. The past few days have been really tough still. I'm trying to move on and get back into some type of normalcy but it's so hard to be normal when I don't feel that way at all.

I've had a few incidents with people (some I know, some I don't) that have caused me to be uncomfortable or weepy. While on a walk yesterday morning, Addison and I passed an older woman in our neighborhood (whom I'd never met) and started a conversation with me about Addison. We talked for just a minute then started to walk again and as we were walking away from one another she turned back and said "Know you are blessed to have a child." I looked and her and smiled and thanked her. Then I turned back around and sobbed my way back home. I kept thinking that the response that statement would be "yes ma'am, more than you know." I certainly didn't take any offense to her words, but it did make me very emotional.

I've managed to make it to Walmart and a few other places and although I wouldn't say the trips went well, they weren't too terribly traumatic. The first trip just completely overwhelmed me to be around so many familiar people even though I didn't really have to face any real conversations. As soon as we got home I basically ran into the bedroom, threw myself onto to bed and sobbed. It's strange, not that I do it but when, because I can't really tell you any specific thing that causes me to break down (I feel like I'm repeating myself from another post here).

Anyway, the second trip to Walmart was last night with my friend Kirby. We had to get some stuff for the office (our new car dealership that we're opening...oh I haven't mentioned that Jordan got his dealer's license, started a corporation in which I am one of the four officers and that we will have a used car dealership? In another time and post I'll get to that) and I was doing pretty good. I had a task and was (almost) staying focused on it. We got up to the checkout line and went to one of the cashiers that I know there (which doesn't say much because I know most of them). She's very sweet and always asks me about Addison. Well I was putting things in the cart and she started talking to me so I turned around to face her. Our conversation went like this:

Cashier: "I heard some good news..." smile.

me: Blank stare. Very confused. "What?"

Cashier: repeat, "I heard some good news. Congratulations!"

me: still blank stare and very confused look. "oh."

and I turned back to Addison (who thankfully was starting to fuss and cause I great way out of the conversation). I was in a small state of disbelief. I don't really remember if I said goodbye or anything else to her. I wasn't mad at her, but just so stunned. I didn't know until we got back into the car that the cashier had been trying to talk to me some more but I honestly didn't hear her. Kirby said that she kept trying to congratulate me again until Kirby had to fill her in with a whispered "She lost the baby." I'm very glad that I wasn't in that situation by myself because I don't know how I'd have handled it. I've been preparing myself to hear people ask me about how my pregnancy was going but not to hear congratulations. We've been telling people for 12 weeks that I was pregnant (since week 4) so I thought everyone already knew.

I still have not been sleeping. Well until last night, that is. All Doctors out there that might be reading this, you might need to skip this next part. I took one of Jordan's anxiety pills last night. And I slept great. But I think it made me stay a little extra sleepy and out of it this morning. I kept trying to get up and going but couldn't really wake up until about 11:45 so we didn't make it to church. I think Satan was causing me to have some extra anxiety about being around everyone. I know that sounds ridiculous since my church family is going to be one of the most supportive crowds I could be around, but I think it was the crowd part that was getting to me. I'll get there eventually. Hopefully soon.

My plan is to go back to work tomorrow. My bosses have been so great about making sure that I know I can take as much time as I need, but I feel like I should try to get back into a routine. I guess we'll see how tonight and tomorrow morning go. I hope that I'll be okay throughout the day, but I know until I try it.

And once again, I'd like to say yet another, huge "Thank you" to all of you for your love, support and prayers. I love you all!

What I've been doing

I'm going to try to make this post a bit easier to follow than the last all-over-the-place post.

I have been spending lots a of time with my two favorite people in the world, Jordan and Addison.

Wednesday I ran some errands with Jordan because I didn't want to stay at home by myself, and that after noon I had to take Addison to the doctor for her 15 month well baby visit. My mom with us since Jordan had a prior commitment. Addison is perfect and healthy, right on track developmentally. 50th percentile for her height and weight and 80th for her big, smart head. Only vice: she is still taking a bottle. We're working on it.

Jordan's work has been so incredibly understanding about him needing to take time off to spend with me. He was already off for Wednesday, then went to work on Thursday but left at lunch to time to spend the rest of the day with me. I was okay being at home alone only because Addison keeps me so busy and when she naps, I've been throwing myself into housework. I would just sleep or veg out in front of the TV, but sleep does not come easy right now and being still leaves me with lots of thoughts that I don't always want to process.

So although I was okay at home, it was nice for Jordan to be with me yesterday. We ended up going with my Mom to my Aunt's pool to swim. We just stayed there and relaxed by the pool and let Addison play for a few hours. We left when she started getting sleepy and ready for her nap.

Jordan and I had been planning to go to Carrabba's for my birthday dinner. We all know that didn't go as planned but we were able to go last night. Addison went to sleep for her nap at my Mom's house, so we left her there (since Mom graciously offered to keep her for us for the evening)and went home and got showers before going out. I was having a really hard time during that time period and I'm not sure why. Could be because the last time we went to Carrabba's was just a few weeks ago and I was happy and pregnant. Or because I couldn't decide what to wear because I wanted to look nice, but I still have this little "Is she pregnant or not" gut and I really didn't want to look chubby or pregnant. I was going through different shirts and kept coming across different maternity clothes that I had been starting to wear. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to get them out of my sight and out of my wardrobe. So I found every thing I could that was maternity and bagged them up to go back to whoever it had been borrowed from or threw it in the huge bin I have for maternity clothes (which I promptly put in the back of my closet). I was planning on washing everything first, but I just couldn't deal with looking at them any more so some things didn't get washed after I wore them. As I was going through all of these motions, (taking a shower, throwing a load of laundry in the washer, cleaning out pregnancy clothes, blow drying my hair and getting ready to leave) I was just tearful and crying and mad and grumpy. Jordan couldn't figure out what had hit me since I seemed to have been fine all day, and honestly I couldn't really tell you exactly what brought on the change either. I guess that's just how it is right now.

Anyway we went to dinner and it was amazingly good. I haven't had much of an appetite so I wasn't sure how dinner would go, but let's just say that I didn't have any trouble eating Carrabba's delicious food. We left Carrabba's and went to the mall. I ended up being in a really good mood most of the time. I did start to go numb as I thought about finding a picture frame for the ultrasound pictures (from 8 weeks). (I found one that said "Love at first sight" but it was really ugly colors, so I think I'll either paint one or have one engraved with that. I definitely want something along those lines to memorialize the Baby.) But I was able to move past it and not ruin the evening.

We picked up Addison, came home, put baby girl to bed (with no bottle-milestone) and watched a movie (Primal Fear-good but horribly bad language). When the movie went off at 11, I was really tired but couldn't face going to bed and laying there with only my thoughts. I stayed up and started the last blog post, couldn't keep my thoughts organized (you noticed? really?) then finally made myself go to bed after 1. It probably took me an hour to go to sleep, during which I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I started getting really anxious and couldn't breathe well. So I laid there and just started praying and it passed nearly as quickly as it came on.

Now Addison is napping and I've been doing laundry (I'm actually start to run out of things to wash. I'll have to start looking for a new area of housework to stay busy with now). I've got a very loose plan formed for this afternoon and it actually involves getting out and seeing people. I may end up backing out, but I need to try, I think.

Tonight our friends Chuck, LeeAnn and Salem are bringing us dinner. I think it will be nice to be around them and hang out some. They have been through a similar situation so we'll have that comfort of knowing they can relate and understand some.

So I'm hanging in here and having good moments mixed in with the bad. Keep praying.

How do I say Thank You?

I don't really know what I'm going to say tonight. It's been a tough few days, full of ups and downs, emotions and hormones, and a lot of "I just don't know"s. I've been completely overwhelmed by the response of people reaching out to us. We've had so many phone calls, flowers, cards, emails, FB messages, texts, prayers,visitors, food sent...I just don't know how to express my gratitude to everyone. There has been such an outpouring of love and support that I cannot even fully process right now. I've also been overwhelmed with the response of so many women who have brought their similar stories of loss to me. I don't really have a word to describe how this makes me feel. It's sad to hear of others who have been here but its a slight comfort (not the right word here, but what is??) to know that I can talk to these brave women when I feel ready. I think we are linked through our grief.

A few people who are close to me have said that I'm doing well and handling everything well, but I think I must just be able to mask things well. I have moments where I am fine, but in private I have great anxiety about seeing people and talking about it and about not responding after being reached out to. I feel bad about not saying "Thank You" quickly enough or not having much of anything at all to say. I so appreciate everything, but I just can't cope with all of the emotions I'm feeling right now. I have all of these thoughts in my head and I just can't really turn them into words right now. I feel like I won't get through the first sentence of most conversations without sobbing. But time and God will heal... I'm waiting on it to come...

These days I lose it in the drop of a hat and can cry at just about anything if it hits me the wrong way. Jordan is probably the only one who has seen me be fine and then breakdown, then fine, then breakdown, etc., etc. I think I get lost in thought sometimes and just have a glazed over look. Normally this is what happens right before I start crying again. If I'm feeling pretty good and start to enjoy myself, I start to feel guilty. I know that I'm healing and in the moving-on process but it's hard to know just how to act or what to do. I don't want to stay at home all day, coped up in the house just because I'm scared to death of interacting with people but I have so, so much anxiety over being in a public place, alone, and surrounded by people who know me and the situation. I feel comforted in the anonymity of being around people that don't know me. If I'm around someone who knows then I have to talk about things and I feel the weight of unspoken expectations. This is all in theory, of course, since I haven't really put myself in a situation like this because I obviously have irrational fears. I'm working on it. Maybe tomorrow I'll get out and talk to people other than family.

Anyway, the whole point of this post wasn't to tell everyone that I'm avoiding them right now (which isn't really how it is but it probably seems that way...), but to say a huge Thank You! I seem to have completely messed up in getting that across... But really I so, so appreciate every little thing that has been done for us. I treasure every message and card that I've received (I'm planning on printing everything out and keeping a book of cards and sweet messages of support). Just knowing how many prayers are going up on our behalf is a huge comfort. I'm thanking God everyday to have to wonderful support and love that He's given us.

All that to say: THANKS!!!

Now I know

Now I know why I wasn't gaining any more weight for the past three weeks.

Now I know why I wasn't feeling very hungry or nauseous recently.

Now I know why I felt so good, without many symptoms at all.

Now I know why I wasn't so emotional as most pregnant women are.

Now I know what it's like to experience an unexplained loss.

Now I know what miscarriage is.

I lost my baby. Today I went to the doctor for my regular check up. I was so excited and very much looking forward to being able to hear the baby's heartbeat on my birthday. After waiting in the lobby, seeing the nurse and answering a few routine questions, Dr. Miyazaki tried to locate the heartbeat with the doppler thing that they use. After 5 minutes of him of hearing nothing but static, sweaks, and my heartbeat he said I needed to have a scan done. As I was laying there and looking a the ceiling I felt an awful, sinking feeling and started pleading with God that the baby was okay and just in a funny position. I had to wait in a little sitting cubby for a few minutes before the ultrasound tech could see me. They were playing Christian music on the loudspeaker but all I could hear was the loud beating heart of a healthy baby that was also being proudly advertised over the speakers.

The sweet ultrasound tech came and got me and I held my breath as she put the slimy wand on my belly. Immediately my sweet, beautiful baby came up on the monitor but there was no flickering that should've been present. I knew. She looked for a few more seconds before gently rubbing my thigh and saying softly that "It doesn't look good. There's no heartbeat." I just started crying and she was so, so sweet about it. She said she had to look over some things and get some measurements but asked if I wanted to monitor left on or off. I composed myself for the most part and decided to watch as she looked over my baby, since that was the most I'd ever get to see of it. I called Jordan and told him to come to the doctor's office and before I could tell him he asked if we lost the baby. At that point I was crying again and feeling so alone. They took me back into the little sitting area (back to the loud thump of a healthy baby's striving heart) and I waited on Jordan to come and grieve with me. When Dr. Miyazaki came back over to me he embraced me in a such an understanding hug and said he was so, so sorry.

Jordan came in the room that they moved me into and we both lost it for a few minutes. Dr. Miyazaki went over some things with us and said that the baby had stopped living and growing when it was at 13 w 4 d. He stressed over and over again that when miscarriages happen after 12 weeks it's about a 90% chance that it is due to a chromosomal abnormality and that it was nothing that I'd done. He said the the baby had some kind of growth (or pocket of fluid, not really sure) on the back of it's head and neck and that was a huge indicator of something genetically not lining up. It had a name but I don't remember what it was. He went over the procedure that I would have to have done to remove the baby from my uterus. A D&C, Dilation and Curettage. This is where the cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus are removed via suction curettage. It's commonly performed following miscarriage in cases where the uterus fails to empty its content, as mine did. (It's also what is commonly performed for abortions in the first trimester, but I'm trying to block that from my memory.)

I went to the hospital where I was taken back to a pre-op room in GYN Surgery. Dr. Lipscomb was in the OR today so he preformed my D&C. He is also the same doctor that delivered Addison (the irony did not escape me). He was also very kind and understanding and also stressed that this did not happen due to anything that I had done. He also assured me that he didn't think I'd have any trouble getting pregnant or having a healthy baby in the future, since he knew my body had done it before. They don't think that it was because of any genetic defects that Jordan and I have together. We could pay to have the tissue sent off for testing but because the baby had already been dead for a few weeks it's doubtful that there would be any viable tissue to analyze.

I had a spinal block to numb me from the waist down and I was given medicine to somewhat sedate me and keep from remembering being in the OR. It worked because I think I slept through the whole thing (which only lasted less than an hour). The sweet anesthesia nurse let me listen to her i-pod which I only vaguely remember was playing contemporary Christian music. I had to wait about 2 hours for my legs to be able to hold me up and allow me to walk before I could leave to come home.

I rode home with Mom while Jordan and Dad went to get Jordan's truck and pick up food. Mom and I had to pick up my happy girl from her Nana and Papaw's. It was wonderful to see her and hear her precious voice saying "Mama". When we got home, my sister, Kyla, had washed all my dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and Jordan was arranging a beautiful bouquet of pink roses that he bought for me. He's been so great through all of this, but is full of grief too.

I had no indication that there was a problem with the baby except for a lack of symptoms which I assumed just meant that I was having a good uneventful pregnancy. I had no bleeding or discharge that would lead me to believe that the baby had died. When I am ever pregnant again in the future, I'm going to be a nervous wreck if I feel good. I knew I was pregnant during every passing minute with Addison because I felt pregnant, even before I was showing. This time, I had even made the comment the I didn't feel pregnant because I felt so good. Now, I know that I wasn't.

I've had an amazing amount of love and support from so many wonderful people and I am so thankful that God put them in my life. How people without faith get through tragedies like this is beyond me. I wouldn't have to strength without God giving it to me or giving me people to lift me up.

I cannot imagine how much more tough this would be if this had been my first pregnancy. I wouldn't have my beautiful girl to cheer me up and make my laugh. I wouldn't have the peace of mind that comes with knowing that I can have healthy babies.

Now I know what's its like to be awake at 2 AM, mourning over one baby but rejoicing in another one who is sound asleep in her crib.

Now I know how much pain and grief you feel after losing a baby that I never even got to meet.

Now I know that my baby is heaven and will never feel the pain of this world.

Now I know how it feels to enter the hospital carrying a baby and leave the hospital empty handed.

Now I know what is feels like to be empty inside.

**THANK YOU to everyone who has shown such love and support to Jordan and I. We know you're praying and it's carrying us through.**

Not Much. Just a Butterfly Kiss

**Be sure to look back at Addison's 15 month post and my 15 week pregnancy highlights post. I've added some super cute pictures (well the ones of Addison are really cute...mine, not so much).


Addison is so silly! We were eating taco salad last night and Addison was dying to have some of the taco meat. She was begging and whining for it while it was cooking and so as soon as we got her in her highchair and the meat was cool enough we gave her some. She gobbled it up! I was surprised that she liked the seasoned meat but she ate about as much as I did (or so I thought... until I got her out of her highchair and found a ton of meat down in the seat. Tripp enjoyed cleaning her seat out last night :) )

We've been in the process of trading/selling cars lately and I have been stressing over what I'm going to be driving. I think we have finally settled down and I'll sign papers on it tomorrow. So my car will be a 2007 Acura TSX. It's a small somewhat sporty sedan that I can easily park but with enough room for the kiddos in the back seat. I'm pretty excited about it, mainly about knowing what I'm going to be driving on a day-to-day basis. My co-workers laugh about it because they never know what car I'm going to be driving from one day to the next. Hopefully it will settle down and I'll keep this one for a while. We'll see...

This is completely random but funny. A few weeks ago I was talking to Jordan and telling him that I was going to try to teach Addison how to give Eskimo kisses (the one where you rub noses) and hummingbird kisses. Jordan just looked at me with this weird look on his face, so I went on to explain. "You know, the kisses where you flutter your eyelashes on the other person's cheek. A hummingbird kiss." He's still looking at me and says that he knows what I'm talking about but don't I mean a BUTTERFLY kiss.

Yeah, I don't know where hummingbird came from but that's what was in my head I guess. I mean there's even a song named BUTTERFLY KISSES. I'm going to blame it on pregnancy.

Pregnancy Highlights Week 15

(I've decided that my butt is growing more than my belly... ha, ha!)

How Far Along: 15 Weeks

Size of Baby: Baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple or naval orange).

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm still lingering around the 8 to 9 lb mark.

Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing a few here and there, but mainly still my regular clothes. (I'm moving back into the next size up in pants from what I was wearing when I got pregnant. I'm just glad that I have a large variety of sizes in my closet now.)

Gender: Not much longer wait...just 3 more weeks

Movement: I'm feeling little flutters but not regularly. I feel them more at night when I'm laying on the couch after Addison's in bed.

Cravings: Can't really think of anything but I do like to eat. Oh wait, I was just talking about wanting spicy stuff to one of my co-workers, so I guess that's my current craving. Not doing much for my first symptom listed below...

What I miss: Not much of anything I guess. I'm feeling pretty good for the most part.

Sleep: I haven't been sleeping as well lately. I don't have to pee in the middle of the night (most nights) but I seem to be waking up and then tossing and turning for several hours before I can go back to sleep.

Symptoms: I'm starting to feel some heartburn. I'm not feeling as tired/run-down all the time. I guess 2nd trimester energy has come back to me. I have a little bit of lower back pain and some neck pain. That could just be a result of the way I'm sleeping (or rather not sleeping). Not sure.

Best Moment this week: Spending time with family and friends. And getting some of my energy back.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Hearing Baby's heartbeat at my doctor's appointment next Tuesday (on my birthday! What a special gift!!).

Today marks Addison's 15 month birthday and I am 15 weeks pregnant. Thought that was a neat coincident!

Addison is 15 months old!

My baby is growing up way too fast! I cannot believe that she is 15 months old!

* She is such a smart girl (yes, this is coming from her biased Mommy). She can say several words such as, ball, dog, kitty, mama, dada, nana, night night, papaw, nona (for Gena's friend Donna) byebye, bottle (ba ba), that (as she's pointing at something), me (to get our attention normally when she wants more food) and other random things that I'm forgetting about. Addison can also do the signs for fish, eat, more, and sometimes please. The eat, more, and please she all uses in reference to food. My child likes to eat.
* Some of Addison's favorite foods are pizza, any fruit (grapes, strawberries, peaches, watermelon, blueberries), raisins or craisins, oatmeal, grits, cream-of-wheat, buttered toast, pasta (sometimes), puffs, yogurt, any kind of bread, cucumbers and sometimes pickles, any kind of cookie or ice cream and meat. The girl loves chicken and hamburgers or steak. She is a great eater. I only wish that I could get her to eat more veggies but she just doesn't seem to like them at all.
*Addison loves to walk and run around. She is always on the go if she can help it. She is a quiet explorer, always looking in cabinets and drawers. She is trying so hard to climb up on to the couch but she can't quite get up there on her own. One of her favorite activities is to put things in and out of other things. She has a toy that you can drop a ball in it and the ball rolls out of a hole at the bottom and she loves to play with that. There is a certain cabinet in the kitchen that is Addison's secret hiding spot for whatever she's carrying around with her. We have found (or seen her put in it) Jordan's car and work keys, her finger nail polish that I use on her toenails and tons of random toys. She also likes to play with her "little people" sets.
* Addison loves baby dolls. She'll hug and kiss them when prompted and has even started holding them like a little baby (or sometimes in a choke hold). If she hears a baby crying she makes her "o" surprise face and looks around for them. When she spots the crying baby (or any baby) she'll point and them and try to get to them. I can't wait to see how she'll be around her little brother or sister. I think she'll be a good big sister. :)*Addison still entertains us with her many animal sounds and we love it! She's started making a fish face that accompanies the sign that she does and she also scrunches her nose up for a rabbit. She also bounces up and down for her favorite: the horsey! We regularly hear woof, woof; meow, meow; bak, bak; duck, duck; buzzz (with hand motion); lulalulalul (with her tongue for turkey); and Mmmm(for cow). She has an animal book which she flips through and does the noises for the animal she's looking at, but normally just finds the horse and carries it around on the horse page.*Addison is such a sweet little girl. She loves to give kisses, blow kisses, wave and say "bye bye" and smile. My favorite time of day is when I put Addison to bed (and not because I'm "getting rid" of her for the day). After she finishes her bottle, we sit together and smile/make faces at each other, laugh, and just cuddle. I eat up every minute of it! It brings me to tears to think that we may not always have our special time together as she grows older (which could have something to do with pregnancy hormones...).
*Addison is picky in the mornings. She normally prefers Jordan over me, unless I get her out of bed and then she is an all over Mommy's girl (which I love-even if it makes me late for work some days). She's funny that way.

* I love my Addison so much and my love for her grows with each passing day! Although it makes me sad that she's not a little baby any more, I'm so excited to see what God has planned for our lives with her as she gets older! I thank HIM for her every day!

Happy 15 Month Birthday, Little One!!

Way too short maternity pants.

Here is the picture I took with my cell of the maternity pants that were so short. I found this hilarious...don't know if anyone else will... :)

Pregnancy Highlights Weeks 13 and 14

Here's my picture for 14 weeks. I never got around to taking the 13 week picture. It was a busy, not so great week, so it just didn't happen. And obviously neither did my weekly post. So I'm just going to lump them together. (And I can't say this won't happen again. Pregnancy makes me tired, forgetful and not care about trivial things such as my blog.)

How Far Along: 13/14 Weeks
Size of Baby: Baby is the size of a clenched fist or lemon.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I think I'm up to about 8, maybe 9 pounds. I haven't been weighing in the morning (which is the weight I went by in the beginning) so I'm not completely sure what the true gain is. Probably the 9 pounds... :)
Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing a few pairs of maternity pants and occasionally the Bella Band with my regular pants. I have two maternity shirts that I got a GAP.com on clearance that I'm enjoying right now, but mainly still my regular shirts. The pants are some that I borrowed from my friend Ashlea. She's very petite and had size smalls from Motherhood, which I couldn't wear last time I was pregnant (most of my maternity clothes are too big...for now). I figured that they were a bit loose on her so I'd be able to fit into them pretty well. Turns out some were a bit too short. I tried one pair on and spent 10 minutes just laughing at how ridiculous they looked on me. They came to about 4 inches over my ankles. haha. Ashlea's only about 1.5 to 2 inches shorter than I am but I have unpreportionately long legs compared to my height. I can wear two pairs that she gave me while the rest are a bit on the way-too-short side.
Gender: Only 4 more weeks before we find out! I don't have a strong feeling either way. If I had to guess, I would guess girl. Yes, even though my pregnancy has been quite different, I still have a little tiny part of me that thinks its a girl. Not that I prefer girl over boy... I just kind of think it might be.
Movement: I started feeling baby move around a little during week 13! So cool to feel the movement! I don't think I started feeling Addison move this early.
Cravings: I can't think of anything in particular.
What I miss: Nothing really. I guess just having energy to enjoy staying up past 9:00. I'm waiting for the 2nd trimester energy to kick in.
Sleep: I'm sleeping pretty good. Still on my belly. Oddly I don't really get up to pee in the middle of the night anymore.
Symptoms: Well, last week I had a few dizzy spells, one of which resulted in me blacking out and fainting after getting too hot in the shower. I've been hungry a lot and I figure that will only get worse. I did experience my first bit of heartburn last weekend. I;m sure that will only get worse too.
Best Moment this week: Feeling baby moving.
What I'm looking forward to: My ultrasound! And getting to hear Baby's heartbeat at my next doctor's appointment which happens to be on my birthday!
Take a look at this little HAM! She is so silly! I love the little PJs she was wearing. They say "make me giggle"! Cute!