Not much

I always say I don't have much to blog about and then end up with a really long post (normally full of nothing-ness) so we'll see on this one. The past few days have been really tough still. I'm trying to move on and get back into some type of normalcy but it's so hard to be normal when I don't feel that way at all.

I've had a few incidents with people (some I know, some I don't) that have caused me to be uncomfortable or weepy. While on a walk yesterday morning, Addison and I passed an older woman in our neighborhood (whom I'd never met) and started a conversation with me about Addison. We talked for just a minute then started to walk again and as we were walking away from one another she turned back and said "Know you are blessed to have a child." I looked and her and smiled and thanked her. Then I turned back around and sobbed my way back home. I kept thinking that the response that statement would be "yes ma'am, more than you know." I certainly didn't take any offense to her words, but it did make me very emotional.

I've managed to make it to Walmart and a few other places and although I wouldn't say the trips went well, they weren't too terribly traumatic. The first trip just completely overwhelmed me to be around so many familiar people even though I didn't really have to face any real conversations. As soon as we got home I basically ran into the bedroom, threw myself onto to bed and sobbed. It's strange, not that I do it but when, because I can't really tell you any specific thing that causes me to break down (I feel like I'm repeating myself from another post here).

Anyway, the second trip to Walmart was last night with my friend Kirby. We had to get some stuff for the office (our new car dealership that we're opening...oh I haven't mentioned that Jordan got his dealer's license, started a corporation in which I am one of the four officers and that we will have a used car dealership? In another time and post I'll get to that) and I was doing pretty good. I had a task and was (almost) staying focused on it. We got up to the checkout line and went to one of the cashiers that I know there (which doesn't say much because I know most of them). She's very sweet and always asks me about Addison. Well I was putting things in the cart and she started talking to me so I turned around to face her. Our conversation went like this:

Cashier: "I heard some good news..." smile.

me: Blank stare. Very confused. "What?"

Cashier: repeat, "I heard some good news. Congratulations!"

me: still blank stare and very confused look. "oh."

and I turned back to Addison (who thankfully was starting to fuss and cause I great way out of the conversation). I was in a small state of disbelief. I don't really remember if I said goodbye or anything else to her. I wasn't mad at her, but just so stunned. I didn't know until we got back into the car that the cashier had been trying to talk to me some more but I honestly didn't hear her. Kirby said that she kept trying to congratulate me again until Kirby had to fill her in with a whispered "She lost the baby." I'm very glad that I wasn't in that situation by myself because I don't know how I'd have handled it. I've been preparing myself to hear people ask me about how my pregnancy was going but not to hear congratulations. We've been telling people for 12 weeks that I was pregnant (since week 4) so I thought everyone already knew.

I still have not been sleeping. Well until last night, that is. All Doctors out there that might be reading this, you might need to skip this next part. I took one of Jordan's anxiety pills last night. And I slept great. But I think it made me stay a little extra sleepy and out of it this morning. I kept trying to get up and going but couldn't really wake up until about 11:45 so we didn't make it to church. I think Satan was causing me to have some extra anxiety about being around everyone. I know that sounds ridiculous since my church family is going to be one of the most supportive crowds I could be around, but I think it was the crowd part that was getting to me. I'll get there eventually. Hopefully soon.

My plan is to go back to work tomorrow. My bosses have been so great about making sure that I know I can take as much time as I need, but I feel like I should try to get back into a routine. I guess we'll see how tonight and tomorrow morning go. I hope that I'll be okay throughout the day, but I know until I try it.

And once again, I'd like to say yet another, huge "Thank you" to all of you for your love, support and prayers. I love you all!