What I've been doing

I'm going to try to make this post a bit easier to follow than the last all-over-the-place post.

I have been spending lots a of time with my two favorite people in the world, Jordan and Addison.

Wednesday I ran some errands with Jordan because I didn't want to stay at home by myself, and that after noon I had to take Addison to the doctor for her 15 month well baby visit. My mom with us since Jordan had a prior commitment. Addison is perfect and healthy, right on track developmentally. 50th percentile for her height and weight and 80th for her big, smart head. Only vice: she is still taking a bottle. We're working on it.

Jordan's work has been so incredibly understanding about him needing to take time off to spend with me. He was already off for Wednesday, then went to work on Thursday but left at lunch to time to spend the rest of the day with me. I was okay being at home alone only because Addison keeps me so busy and when she naps, I've been throwing myself into housework. I would just sleep or veg out in front of the TV, but sleep does not come easy right now and being still leaves me with lots of thoughts that I don't always want to process.

So although I was okay at home, it was nice for Jordan to be with me yesterday. We ended up going with my Mom to my Aunt's pool to swim. We just stayed there and relaxed by the pool and let Addison play for a few hours. We left when she started getting sleepy and ready for her nap.

Jordan and I had been planning to go to Carrabba's for my birthday dinner. We all know that didn't go as planned but we were able to go last night. Addison went to sleep for her nap at my Mom's house, so we left her there (since Mom graciously offered to keep her for us for the evening)and went home and got showers before going out. I was having a really hard time during that time period and I'm not sure why. Could be because the last time we went to Carrabba's was just a few weeks ago and I was happy and pregnant. Or because I couldn't decide what to wear because I wanted to look nice, but I still have this little "Is she pregnant or not" gut and I really didn't want to look chubby or pregnant. I was going through different shirts and kept coming across different maternity clothes that I had been starting to wear. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to get them out of my sight and out of my wardrobe. So I found every thing I could that was maternity and bagged them up to go back to whoever it had been borrowed from or threw it in the huge bin I have for maternity clothes (which I promptly put in the back of my closet). I was planning on washing everything first, but I just couldn't deal with looking at them any more so some things didn't get washed after I wore them. As I was going through all of these motions, (taking a shower, throwing a load of laundry in the washer, cleaning out pregnancy clothes, blow drying my hair and getting ready to leave) I was just tearful and crying and mad and grumpy. Jordan couldn't figure out what had hit me since I seemed to have been fine all day, and honestly I couldn't really tell you exactly what brought on the change either. I guess that's just how it is right now.

Anyway we went to dinner and it was amazingly good. I haven't had much of an appetite so I wasn't sure how dinner would go, but let's just say that I didn't have any trouble eating Carrabba's delicious food. We left Carrabba's and went to the mall. I ended up being in a really good mood most of the time. I did start to go numb as I thought about finding a picture frame for the ultrasound pictures (from 8 weeks). (I found one that said "Love at first sight" but it was really ugly colors, so I think I'll either paint one or have one engraved with that. I definitely want something along those lines to memorialize the Baby.) But I was able to move past it and not ruin the evening.

We picked up Addison, came home, put baby girl to bed (with no bottle-milestone) and watched a movie (Primal Fear-good but horribly bad language). When the movie went off at 11, I was really tired but couldn't face going to bed and laying there with only my thoughts. I stayed up and started the last blog post, couldn't keep my thoughts organized (you noticed? really?) then finally made myself go to bed after 1. It probably took me an hour to go to sleep, during which I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I started getting really anxious and couldn't breathe well. So I laid there and just started praying and it passed nearly as quickly as it came on.

Now Addison is napping and I've been doing laundry (I'm actually start to run out of things to wash. I'll have to start looking for a new area of housework to stay busy with now). I've got a very loose plan formed for this afternoon and it actually involves getting out and seeing people. I may end up backing out, but I need to try, I think.

Tonight our friends Chuck, LeeAnn and Salem are bringing us dinner. I think it will be nice to be around them and hang out some. They have been through a similar situation so we'll have that comfort of knowing they can relate and understand some.

So I'm hanging in here and having good moments mixed in with the bad. Keep praying.