I think this last one (actually the first ones taken but blogger uploaded in backwards order) is my favorite. It might just make an appearance on our Christmas cards...
2 years ago
Our Marriage Ticker
Addison Kate's Ticker
Ava Elizabeth's Ticker
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Family Pictures
I decided that I really wanted to get some outdoor family pictures done before there were no leaves left on the trees. So... I called my sister and asked if she would be our photographer for an afternoon. We planned it very last minute and then I wasn't sure that the lighting would work out because it was a bit overcast, but I think that they turned out really good! Here are some of the best that Kyla has already cropped and edited. Love them!!
I think this last one (actually the first ones taken but blogger uploaded in backwards order) is my favorite. It might just make an appearance on our Christmas cards...
I think this last one (actually the first ones taken but blogger uploaded in backwards order) is my favorite. It might just make an appearance on our Christmas cards...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween 2010
Addison was a kitty cat for Halloween and she was the cutest, sweetest little cat ever! She was so good the whole night and ever fussed once about wearing her costume (just fussed a little when she saw food...the girl always wants to eat!)
On her way to Trick or Treat!
Such a cute little grin. I think she must have known that we were going to be getting some candy!
She loved all of Jordan's Grandma's (Tutti) decorations, especially the cats!
Most of the pictures I took were of her chasing after the candy bucket that Jordan was holding. She was loving the candy corn!
Isn't this just the most adorable little face in the world? And you want to know what she's looking at so intently? What else but her Candy bucket!
Yeah, this didn't last very long. She grabbed a whole handful of candy corn and tried to shove them all in her mouth. Silly kitty!
Our next stop was Jeff and Gena's house. She stood by the yard display and when we went to leave she then told each individual pumpkin and flower "Bye Bye." She's really into telling everyone ( and thing) "Bye Bye."
Addie and Daddy.
With Nana and Papaw.
With Nana.
Daddy, Mommy and Addison. Notice the tennis balls in her hands. She is obsessed with any ball that she sees and must hold one in each hand. She's gotten good about knowing that she can't take them with her and that she'll get to see them when she comes back to where ever she left them.
With Papaw
We stopped by the Trunk or Treat at the church that Chuck and LeeAnn go to. We only briefly crossed paths with LeeAnn and Salem. But it was long enough for a photo op! Salem was dressed as Charlotte from Charlotte's Web such a cute little spider!
Our next stop was GranDee and Grandpa's house. I didn't get any good pictures of her with them this year (Lots from last year as you can see here). She had to relax a bit in her favorite chair and eat some raisins while we were there.
On her way to Trick or Treat!
Such a cute little grin. I think she must have known that we were going to be getting some candy!
She loved all of Jordan's Grandma's (Tutti) decorations, especially the cats!
Most of the pictures I took were of her chasing after the candy bucket that Jordan was holding. She was loving the candy corn!
Isn't this just the most adorable little face in the world? And you want to know what she's looking at so intently? What else but her Candy bucket!Tutti has a small fish pond in her yard and Addison really enjoyed looking at it. She kept doing her sign her fish (hands together and "swimming").
Yeah, this didn't last very long. She grabbed a whole handful of candy corn and tried to shove them all in her mouth. Silly kitty!
Our next stop was Jeff and Gena's house. She stood by the yard display and when we went to leave she then told each individual pumpkin and flower "Bye Bye." She's really into telling everyone ( and thing) "Bye Bye."
Addie and Daddy.
With Nana and Papaw.
With Nana.
Daddy, Mommy and Addison. Notice the tennis balls in her hands. She is obsessed with any ball that she sees and must hold one in each hand. She's gotten good about knowing that she can't take them with her and that she'll get to see them when she comes back to where ever she left them.
With Papaw
We stopped by the Trunk or Treat at the church that Chuck and LeeAnn go to. We only briefly crossed paths with LeeAnn and Salem. But it was long enough for a photo op! Salem was dressed as Charlotte from Charlotte's Web such a cute little spider!
Our next stop was GranDee and Grandpa's house. I didn't get any good pictures of her with them this year (Lots from last year as you can see here). She had to relax a bit in her favorite chair and eat some raisins while we were there. This one is cute with my dad and Addison cheesing it up at each other. They love each other so much! Sweet!
Hope y'all had a great Halloween, too!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Pictures from Mom's Party
Addison had such a good time at Mom's surprise party. She loved all of the rocking chairs that were in the building and played with her toys and the other kids there.
When we first got there on Saturday to finish the set-up, Addison just sat in this big rocking chair and rocked for about 10 minutes (which is a long time for her to be still). She had to be holding her blanket, doggie, baby and her juice the whole time. And that was also while she was in her car seat and while being taken out of her car seat. Very tricky maneuvering...
Sweet girl!
Here's the sign we made for Dad to park the car in for Mom. She was so shocked when she realized what was going on!
Me, Kyla and Mom. We all ended up wearing greens and blues so we were coordinating.
My cutie and me.
Just a tiny portion of the food that we had.
Addison and Her Great Meemaw. We had such a good time!Monday, October 18, 2010
The weekend
We had a good, fast-paced weekend.
Friday was a busy day at work. I work at SECU and we had member appreciation day with our kid's mascot FAT CAT (my manager, haha) in attendance. Kyla brought Addison to see him and to eat lunch with Mommy. We had so much fun. She was intrigued with FAT CAT and wasn't scared of him until she saw him take his head off. She still didn't cry or scream but she ran up to me and held onto me for dear life. I held her and she refused to move at all in my arms, just clinged onto me. It was cute. As soon as he put to costume head back on she was fine and even was "calling" (here, kitty, kitty, kitty...) him to get his attention. Addison also decided that it was great fun to walk around from person to person begging them for "bips" (chips) and "tuk-dies" (cookies).
My Mom turned 50 last week and we had a small family dinner to celebrate then. What she didn't know was that my dad, sister and I were planning a surprise party for her for this past Saturday. Kyla and I were busy planning, buying and preparing food and decorations for the party and my mom couldn't figure out why we were hanging out so much and not cluing her in to what we were spending our time doing. I just knew that she would figure it out because she always figures things out early. But she ended up not having a clue about it and we really got her good! It was fun and I hope that she enjoyed it!
Later Saturday night we went to a friends house for an early Halloween costume party. First we went to Jordan's sister's house and put Addison to bed there. She only lives a few houses down from the party. Jordan went as Caesar complete with toga, wrist bands and headband and I was a black cat, although I think it looked a bit more like cat woman. I'm not really into costumes for adults (mostly because the woman's costumes are all so, so trashy and I'm not very creative to be able to come up with my own ideas) so I didn't have any old costumes laying around or any inclination to buy one so I wore dark jeans, tall, black boots, a black turtleneck then added a cat mask and tail. Yeah, it was kind of cheesy but I figure I can wear it again when we take Addison trick or treating because she's going to be a kitty cat (white and pink and super cute!). Also in attendance were a witch, a monk, a Scotsman (in a kilt), a policeman, Betty from the Flintstone's (adorable), a nerd girl, and my favorite, Russel and Walter from the movie UP!. They were so, so cute. The girl was Russel with the little boy scout uniform and backpack with balloons tied to it and her boyfriend was Walter with baby powered hair and walking stick with tennis balls on the ends. They just needed a big bird named Kevin and a golden retriever named Dug and they would have had the whole cast!
The party was fun! We ate and played games and watched funny you-tube videos. A few of my friends were there and we broke off from the party and were having some great girl talk. Right in the middle of laughing and having fun I kind of sarcastically joked something about how I should have been pregnant and had to have been dressed as a big pumpkin. I normally don't talk much about my miscarriage and I'm still not really sure why anything about it came out of my mouth but when it did, all of a sudden I was sobbing. I felt so bad for being a downer, but those girls, Kirby and Katie, were so sweet and supportive. They embraced me and talked to me and we all shared different struggles that we are all facing. I'm actually kind of glad that I had my mini-break-down because I obviously needed to get it off my chest right then. I also feel like it brought us closer. We have decided that we need to start having a "girl's day/night" at least once a month and the first one is scheduled for this weekend. I'm excited about it!
I feel fine most of the time even though I still think about losing the baby and not being pregnant a whole lot, I'm just not letting it consume me. I have so many positive things in my life and so many blessings to count from God. I know that no one expects me to "be over it" and I'm still grieving, but sometimes the grief just sneaks up on me. Friday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. So I was thinking about it even more than normal but didn't really make myself the time to process it. I was so busy and consumed in party planning and costuming and taking care of Addison that I didn't really let myself "go there". I also think I was trying to avoid it. I have such conflicted feelings because I want to be over it (although I know I never will be) but I also feel bad if I'm not thinking about it and still grieving. I think of the women and families that have lost babies multiple times or other family members that they really knew and loved and I feel that what they are going through has to be worse than what I'm going through. But I guess grief is what it is in any circumstance and maybe it's like sins. Although we want to see it that way, no one sin is any worse than another sin in God's eyes. As humans we like to add degrees to everything or turn it into a "good" to "bad" scale. Maybe it's to make more sense of things and add organization or maybe just to make ourselves feel better about things we have done... I don't know.
I'm rambling...again. This was supposed to be about the weekend and yet I've made it about grief, like I always end up doing. I really am doing much better and I'm happy.
Our weekend was a good one, even if I just laid around the house Sunday afternoon and got nothing better done than catching up on watching my DVRed shows. :) I have a huge pile of laundry to do, but that's okay!
*I have some pictures to add but I can't get it done at the moment so I may come back and update. Or I might just do a separate post... Stay tuned. :)*
Friday was a busy day at work. I work at SECU and we had member appreciation day with our kid's mascot FAT CAT (my manager, haha) in attendance. Kyla brought Addison to see him and to eat lunch with Mommy. We had so much fun. She was intrigued with FAT CAT and wasn't scared of him until she saw him take his head off. She still didn't cry or scream but she ran up to me and held onto me for dear life. I held her and she refused to move at all in my arms, just clinged onto me. It was cute. As soon as he put to costume head back on she was fine and even was "calling" (here, kitty, kitty, kitty...) him to get his attention. Addison also decided that it was great fun to walk around from person to person begging them for "bips" (chips) and "tuk-dies" (cookies).
My Mom turned 50 last week and we had a small family dinner to celebrate then. What she didn't know was that my dad, sister and I were planning a surprise party for her for this past Saturday. Kyla and I were busy planning, buying and preparing food and decorations for the party and my mom couldn't figure out why we were hanging out so much and not cluing her in to what we were spending our time doing. I just knew that she would figure it out because she always figures things out early. But she ended up not having a clue about it and we really got her good! It was fun and I hope that she enjoyed it!
Later Saturday night we went to a friends house for an early Halloween costume party. First we went to Jordan's sister's house and put Addison to bed there. She only lives a few houses down from the party. Jordan went as Caesar complete with toga, wrist bands and headband and I was a black cat, although I think it looked a bit more like cat woman. I'm not really into costumes for adults (mostly because the woman's costumes are all so, so trashy and I'm not very creative to be able to come up with my own ideas) so I didn't have any old costumes laying around or any inclination to buy one so I wore dark jeans, tall, black boots, a black turtleneck then added a cat mask and tail. Yeah, it was kind of cheesy but I figure I can wear it again when we take Addison trick or treating because she's going to be a kitty cat (white and pink and super cute!). Also in attendance were a witch, a monk, a Scotsman (in a kilt), a policeman, Betty from the Flintstone's (adorable), a nerd girl, and my favorite, Russel and Walter from the movie UP!. They were so, so cute. The girl was Russel with the little boy scout uniform and backpack with balloons tied to it and her boyfriend was Walter with baby powered hair and walking stick with tennis balls on the ends. They just needed a big bird named Kevin and a golden retriever named Dug and they would have had the whole cast!
The party was fun! We ate and played games and watched funny you-tube videos. A few of my friends were there and we broke off from the party and were having some great girl talk. Right in the middle of laughing and having fun I kind of sarcastically joked something about how I should have been pregnant and had to have been dressed as a big pumpkin. I normally don't talk much about my miscarriage and I'm still not really sure why anything about it came out of my mouth but when it did, all of a sudden I was sobbing. I felt so bad for being a downer, but those girls, Kirby and Katie, were so sweet and supportive. They embraced me and talked to me and we all shared different struggles that we are all facing. I'm actually kind of glad that I had my mini-break-down because I obviously needed to get it off my chest right then. I also feel like it brought us closer. We have decided that we need to start having a "girl's day/night" at least once a month and the first one is scheduled for this weekend. I'm excited about it!
I feel fine most of the time even though I still think about losing the baby and not being pregnant a whole lot, I'm just not letting it consume me. I have so many positive things in my life and so many blessings to count from God. I know that no one expects me to "be over it" and I'm still grieving, but sometimes the grief just sneaks up on me. Friday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. So I was thinking about it even more than normal but didn't really make myself the time to process it. I was so busy and consumed in party planning and costuming and taking care of Addison that I didn't really let myself "go there". I also think I was trying to avoid it. I have such conflicted feelings because I want to be over it (although I know I never will be) but I also feel bad if I'm not thinking about it and still grieving. I think of the women and families that have lost babies multiple times or other family members that they really knew and loved and I feel that what they are going through has to be worse than what I'm going through. But I guess grief is what it is in any circumstance and maybe it's like sins. Although we want to see it that way, no one sin is any worse than another sin in God's eyes. As humans we like to add degrees to everything or turn it into a "good" to "bad" scale. Maybe it's to make more sense of things and add organization or maybe just to make ourselves feel better about things we have done... I don't know.
I'm rambling...again. This was supposed to be about the weekend and yet I've made it about grief, like I always end up doing. I really am doing much better and I'm happy.
Our weekend was a good one, even if I just laid around the house Sunday afternoon and got nothing better done than catching up on watching my DVRed shows. :) I have a huge pile of laundry to do, but that's okay!
*I have some pictures to add but I can't get it done at the moment so I may come back and update. Or I might just do a separate post... Stay tuned. :)*
Monday, October 11, 2010
Counting Blessings
God is ABLE to do ABUNDANTLY, EXCEEDINGLY more than ALL you can ASK or IMAGINE. Ephesians 3:20
I'm counting my blessings right now. And I'm overwhelmed with how many there are to count. God has blessed Jordan and I so, so much and I'm trying my hardest to not take anything for granted. There are so many bad things that I could to choose to focus on, but I want to be optimistic instead of a downer. We have so many things that are changing and unstable and decisions to make that are being based on how other things turn out. I'm trying to not stress over things and take every new day as it comes at me.
Be anxious for NOTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6
I'm counting my blessings right now. And I'm overwhelmed with how many there are to count. God has blessed Jordan and I so, so much and I'm trying my hardest to not take anything for granted. There are so many bad things that I could to choose to focus on, but I want to be optimistic instead of a downer. We have so many things that are changing and unstable and decisions to make that are being based on how other things turn out. I'm trying to not stress over things and take every new day as it comes at me.
Be anxious for NOTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6
I've recently been reevaluating my walk with God and I'm seeing so many flaws on my end (and not surprisingly-none on HIS end. haha). I'm working at being more patient, less quick to judge, more compassionate and a better listener, among many, many more things. My prayer life is not where it needs to be, so I'm working on getting it back to where it once was and where it should be.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18
I'm also working on reading the bible more. I thought about finding a devotional book to help me along with it, but that task alone seems daunting to me, so I figured the best way to get into God's word is to dive right in. I now get daily emails from one year bible online that gives me the link to an old testament passage, a new testament passage, and a little bit of Psalms and Proverbs each day. I like that set up because you get a little bit of easy-to-read with the harder-to-read.
I'm not telling you this to brag, but to help me to be accountable. I'm also hoping to encourage others to join in and re-evaluate your own walk with God.
Also, please be in prayer for my sister, Kyla. She's one of the reasons I'm trying to do better and make wiser decisions. She has recently made some major changes in her life and is striving to do good and follow God. It's been a rough transition for her and is not made easier by the fact that she has bi-polar mood disorder. This means she struggles with depression and manias and making out-of-character decisions. Kyla has made such a courageous change in her life. It's never easy to cut out things that you enjoy or that give you immediate gratification, even when you know they are wrong. I'm praying for her to be at peace with her decisions and accept that she may always have to struggle with her mood disorder. I'm praying for her to be able to let go of the guilt that she feels and know that God has 100% forgiven her. I'm praying for guidance as I talk to her and help her move along with her life.
Happy Monday!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Our Weekend (Including Pictures-Gasp!)
This weekend was busy at the Cline house!
On Friday, Jordan and I tried out a new Japanese place that had just opened right by our house. It was good food, but a little pricey and a super long wait. Poor Addison was getting so tired and she was ready for her food. She did well considering we didn't leave the restaurant until almost 8:30.
Saturday was CRAZY!! We planned on being at the car lot most of the day to get things organized and work with the new computer system that we just got. We got there at 8:30 with Addison in tow. To say that we were busy all day (or all last week) would be an understatement. Since Tuesday we've bought 7 cars from dealer auctions (in addition to the ones we already had), sold 5 and taken in 2 trade-ins. Most of that was done on Saturday while we were trying to get everything added and taken off the inventory for the computers! Addison was so, so good and took a nap in the back room (of our tiny, open office) while we were selling a car in the main room. We finished up around 5, so I ended up working my normal hours on my day off. There's no hourly paycheck but hopefully after a while everything's going to pay off. It's really an exciting time and it helps that we have a lot of fun and enjoy being with our friends/business partners.
After we finished up at the car lot, Jordan dropped off Addison at her Nana and Papaw's house to spend the night. We had a few hours to get ready to go out on a double date with some friends. We didn't start the date until almost 8:30 and after dinner and bowling, we didn't get home until after midnight. Needless to say, I was exhausted!
Sunday was much more relaxed. Addison came back home to us at 8 and we played and napped until church. She was such a good girl and kept saying "Baaaybeee" because we sat behind some friends who have a 4 month old little boy.
On Friday, Jordan and I tried out a new Japanese place that had just opened right by our house. It was good food, but a little pricey and a super long wait. Poor Addison was getting so tired and she was ready for her food. She did well considering we didn't leave the restaurant until almost 8:30.
Saturday was CRAZY!! We planned on being at the car lot most of the day to get things organized and work with the new computer system that we just got. We got there at 8:30 with Addison in tow. To say that we were busy all day (or all last week) would be an understatement. Since Tuesday we've bought 7 cars from dealer auctions (in addition to the ones we already had), sold 5 and taken in 2 trade-ins. Most of that was done on Saturday while we were trying to get everything added and taken off the inventory for the computers! Addison was so, so good and took a nap in the back room (of our tiny, open office) while we were selling a car in the main room. We finished up around 5, so I ended up working my normal hours on my day off. There's no hourly paycheck but hopefully after a while everything's going to pay off. It's really an exciting time and it helps that we have a lot of fun and enjoy being with our friends/business partners.
After we finished up at the car lot, Jordan dropped off Addison at her Nana and Papaw's house to spend the night. We had a few hours to get ready to go out on a double date with some friends. We didn't start the date until almost 8:30 and after dinner and bowling, we didn't get home until after midnight. Needless to say, I was exhausted!
Sunday was much more relaxed. Addison came back home to us at 8 and we played and napped until church. She was such a good girl and kept saying "Baaaybeee" because we sat behind some friends who have a 4 month old little boy.
Here she is Sunday afternoon before dinner.
I loved her little outfit! People at church kept calling her Pippy Longstockings because of the tights. Such a cutie!
This is after she saw me with the camera and came running over to it. Little Ham! She wanted to sit in my lap because I had the camera, so I gave the camera to Jordan so he could take a picture of us. Well then Addison wanted to sit in Jordan's lap since he now held the camera.
So we went back and forth taking pictures of each other with Little Miss Thing!
(Please ignore my crazy hair! I'd been cleaning and cooking all afternoon.)
We enjoyed our weekend with Addison (as I always do!). Now ready for a busy week with (hopefully) lots of cars being sold!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Post I Can't Seem to Finish
I don't know all the different places/directions this post is going to go, but I'm sure it won't be organized. I've been working on this post for the past 2 weeks and just can't seem to finish it...
It's been a while since my last post. I don't have any good excuse for not writing besides not having time or just not feeling it. I do feel like I'm in a better place than I was a couple weeks ago. I'm still healing and grieving but I'm not consumed by loss and sadness anymore. I have moments that I'm really sad and let my mind wander, thinking of all the things I should be preparing for and worrying over. I still think of things that I was going to have to do before February when the baby came but then I catch myself and those thoughts are immediately replaced by emptiness and slight bitterness. I'm not angry at God and I have accepted my situation, but that doesn't mean that I don't still feel disappointed and frustrated. I've been in the middle of conversations with friends, talking about babies or the second child or future plans and I have to really think before I say things. I was in the mindset of having another baby in February for almost four months and its hard to just make my preset thoughts change overnight. I know I've had a month to adjust but things still hop into my head at any given moment. I'm still feeling the sting at times.
I've been thinking about timing of when to plan for another baby. It still really stresses me out. Although my last pregnancy was not 100% planned (it was 100% wanted) and caught us a bit by surprise, I was very content with the spacing God was giving us between children. Now, after I had decided that 21 months was going to be a wonderful age difference between Addison and Baby #2 and that it was exactly what I wanted, I have to accept that that is no longer in God's plan for our family. I still would like to have our kids close in age. That leads me to trying to decided weather I can handle the stress and worry that I know would come with being pregnant again right now or wait a little while. I also have the added stress of paying for the miscarriage and D&C (which from the Insurance explanation of benefits, looks like its going to be nearly as much as having Addison. lovely. It costs as much to have a tiny baby taken from you as it does to birth a healthy, full-term baby) and wondering how long that will take to pay that off before we'll have more hospital bills with the cost of having another baby... The financial aspect doesn't bother me as much as the emotional horrors that await me when I'm pregnant again (It will be a long, stressful, worrisome 40 weeks when it happens). Jordan is more caught up on the financial side. It's a lot to think about. I'm praying for guidance.
On to lighter things. (I really didn't mean for this to be a downer post. And I really do feel better overall but there is not a moment that goes by that I'm not thinking about it in some aspect.) So I think I might have caught the Pandora bug. No, I'm not getting sick. For those of you that don't know what Pandora is (first, go to website and browse) it is a brand of jewelry. What I am particularly interested in is the bracelets with beautiful, interchangeable beads. They can be quite expensive, if you buy them new from jewelry stores. That's why I am looking on Ebay! I'm not really all that concerned about having the "real" thing and I'm okay with the cheaper options that are available. I can see this turning into something that will be time consuming. I'll have my co-worker, Sonya to thank for that. :)
Addison has been such a mess! She has a huge personality and really is starting (or continuing, rather) to talk a lot. She calls me Momma and sometimes Mommy (although normally when I'm trying to get her to say Mommy, she say Yummy-she is a total food-oriented baby!). She calls Tripp "Bip" so we'll hear her saying "NO, NO, Bip!!" She's starting to say GranDee and Grandpa. She still says Dadda (occasionally Daddy), Nana, and Pawpaw (for my dad and Jordan's dad). She's also started to say Ellett ("Ay-Yett") and tells him to come on (Ellett is her 10 month old cousin that Gena keeps also. They are together 3 out of 5 days per week). It's really cute to hear her try to imitate what we say. We laugh at her and she just grins so big and is so proud of herself. One of my favorite parts of the day is when I'm driving Addison home after picking her up in the evenings. We talk and sing and make faces at each other in the car (in the mirror-don't worry, I'm a very careful driver). I just love seeing that little face crinkle into a grin and hearing that adorable little voice sing along with the songs I'm singing, especially after I've been away from her at work all day. We enjoy going on walks in the evenings with Daddy and "Bip". We have a great, shadowy area to walk near our house and try to take advantage of the slightly cooler weather right before the sun goes down. Addison just chills back in her stroller and takes everything in. I'm so glad that she likes to ride in her stroller.
We've been staying pretty busy and its been fun. I mentioned in an earlier post that we now have a car lot. That has taken lots of time, but its been fun because we both enjoy spending time with our business partners, Kirby and Dustin. Kirby works with Jordan and we've been friends with her and her family for several years now. They have two boys, Banyon-4 yrs and Sylas-2 yrs (They are 20 months apart. It was neat for me to see kids at almost the same age difference ours were going to be.) The boys and Addison play pretty good together. Addison and Sylas are almost exactly one year apart and they don't always know how and when to share things. Banyon is definitely the older sibling and likes to be in charge. They have had to play and keep each other occupied while we try to figure out all of the in's and out's of selling cars. We've already sold several, too quickly to keep anything on the lot. It's really exciting to be involved with the starting of a business, especially when it has a lot of potential to do well (we think it does, anyway!). Our official name is Pay Here Auto Sales. We chose that to highlight the fact that we will finance cars if you don't have the cash on hand to buy it. I won't bore you with all of the details, but it's definitely been a learning experience. There are a ton of papers that have to be filled out (and notarized) (and all done exactly the way the DMV wants it) and it was certainly intimating for the first sale. It's been fun so far!
I guess that's all I have in me right now. Hopefully I'll be back before next month (and with some more interesting happenings).
It's been a while since my last post. I don't have any good excuse for not writing besides not having time or just not feeling it. I do feel like I'm in a better place than I was a couple weeks ago. I'm still healing and grieving but I'm not consumed by loss and sadness anymore. I have moments that I'm really sad and let my mind wander, thinking of all the things I should be preparing for and worrying over. I still think of things that I was going to have to do before February when the baby came but then I catch myself and those thoughts are immediately replaced by emptiness and slight bitterness. I'm not angry at God and I have accepted my situation, but that doesn't mean that I don't still feel disappointed and frustrated. I've been in the middle of conversations with friends, talking about babies or the second child or future plans and I have to really think before I say things. I was in the mindset of having another baby in February for almost four months and its hard to just make my preset thoughts change overnight. I know I've had a month to adjust but things still hop into my head at any given moment. I'm still feeling the sting at times.
I've been thinking about timing of when to plan for another baby. It still really stresses me out. Although my last pregnancy was not 100% planned (it was 100% wanted) and caught us a bit by surprise, I was very content with the spacing God was giving us between children. Now, after I had decided that 21 months was going to be a wonderful age difference between Addison and Baby #2 and that it was exactly what I wanted, I have to accept that that is no longer in God's plan for our family. I still would like to have our kids close in age. That leads me to trying to decided weather I can handle the stress and worry that I know would come with being pregnant again right now or wait a little while. I also have the added stress of paying for the miscarriage and D&C (which from the Insurance explanation of benefits, looks like its going to be nearly as much as having Addison. lovely. It costs as much to have a tiny baby taken from you as it does to birth a healthy, full-term baby) and wondering how long that will take to pay that off before we'll have more hospital bills with the cost of having another baby... The financial aspect doesn't bother me as much as the emotional horrors that await me when I'm pregnant again (It will be a long, stressful, worrisome 40 weeks when it happens). Jordan is more caught up on the financial side. It's a lot to think about. I'm praying for guidance.
On to lighter things. (I really didn't mean for this to be a downer post. And I really do feel better overall but there is not a moment that goes by that I'm not thinking about it in some aspect.) So I think I might have caught the Pandora bug. No, I'm not getting sick. For those of you that don't know what Pandora is (first, go to website and browse) it is a brand of jewelry. What I am particularly interested in is the bracelets with beautiful, interchangeable beads. They can be quite expensive, if you buy them new from jewelry stores. That's why I am looking on Ebay! I'm not really all that concerned about having the "real" thing and I'm okay with the cheaper options that are available. I can see this turning into something that will be time consuming. I'll have my co-worker, Sonya to thank for that. :)
Addison has been such a mess! She has a huge personality and really is starting (or continuing, rather) to talk a lot. She calls me Momma and sometimes Mommy (although normally when I'm trying to get her to say Mommy, she say Yummy-she is a total food-oriented baby!). She calls Tripp "Bip" so we'll hear her saying "NO, NO, Bip!!" She's starting to say GranDee and Grandpa. She still says Dadda (occasionally Daddy), Nana, and Pawpaw (for my dad and Jordan's dad). She's also started to say Ellett ("Ay-Yett") and tells him to come on (Ellett is her 10 month old cousin that Gena keeps also. They are together 3 out of 5 days per week). It's really cute to hear her try to imitate what we say. We laugh at her and she just grins so big and is so proud of herself. One of my favorite parts of the day is when I'm driving Addison home after picking her up in the evenings. We talk and sing and make faces at each other in the car (in the mirror-don't worry, I'm a very careful driver). I just love seeing that little face crinkle into a grin and hearing that adorable little voice sing along with the songs I'm singing, especially after I've been away from her at work all day. We enjoy going on walks in the evenings with Daddy and "Bip". We have a great, shadowy area to walk near our house and try to take advantage of the slightly cooler weather right before the sun goes down. Addison just chills back in her stroller and takes everything in. I'm so glad that she likes to ride in her stroller.
We've been staying pretty busy and its been fun. I mentioned in an earlier post that we now have a car lot. That has taken lots of time, but its been fun because we both enjoy spending time with our business partners, Kirby and Dustin. Kirby works with Jordan and we've been friends with her and her family for several years now. They have two boys, Banyon-4 yrs and Sylas-2 yrs (They are 20 months apart. It was neat for me to see kids at almost the same age difference ours were going to be.) The boys and Addison play pretty good together. Addison and Sylas are almost exactly one year apart and they don't always know how and when to share things. Banyon is definitely the older sibling and likes to be in charge. They have had to play and keep each other occupied while we try to figure out all of the in's and out's of selling cars. We've already sold several, too quickly to keep anything on the lot. It's really exciting to be involved with the starting of a business, especially when it has a lot of potential to do well (we think it does, anyway!). Our official name is Pay Here Auto Sales. We chose that to highlight the fact that we will finance cars if you don't have the cash on hand to buy it. I won't bore you with all of the details, but it's definitely been a learning experience. There are a ton of papers that have to be filled out (and notarized) (and all done exactly the way the DMV wants it) and it was certainly intimating for the first sale. It's been fun so far!
I guess that's all I have in me right now. Hopefully I'll be back before next month (and with some more interesting happenings).
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Big Sister
Yesterday Gena told me how much of a helper Addison is turning into. She likes to bring Ellett things when her Nana asks her to. It's really hard for me to see how good she is with Ellett and how loving she is with her baby dolls. All I can think about is how good of a big sister she would've made in just 5 months. I can also see that she gets jealous of Ellett, too. I know that she'll be a good big sister when the time comes, but I was so worried about how she would be at only 21 months as an older sibling. Now I can see her comprehending things, following directions and helping out when asked and I just wish that things had panned out differently and that our family was going to be spaced out as I had thought it was.
I still want to have our children be close in age. That leads me to having to deal with the question of when. When will we try again? I don't know the answer to that. I think that we aren't going to start trying right away. I feel like that would be stressful and that I need a break for a while from thinking about pregnancy related things. Not that I don't want to hear about other people's pregnancies or babies. I can deal with that and I don't want people to shy away from the topic because they don't want to hurt my broken heart more. Really, it's okay. I just don't want to think about myself being pregnant for a while. Several months at least. We'll just wait and see what God holds for our future.
I came across Addison's "big sister" shirt that I bought for her a few months ago. It's a long sleeved 2T and I keep thinking that she might not be able to wear it whenever the time comes. I'm thinking of getting a memory box to put all of the cards and pregnancy related things in. I keep thinking of different things that I want to put in a place to keep but get out of my sight for a while. I don't want to throw things away but I also don't want to be looking at them all the time. Things like my ultrasound pictures from my 8 week appointment, all the cards and messages people have given me, the miscarriage pamphlet from the hospital. Now Addison's Big Sister shirt may go in it too. I've been thinking of calling it my "heartbreak box." Too sad? I don't know... maybe I'll call it something else.
I feel like all I do is ramble and wallow in all my posts. I'm certainly not trying to have myself a great big pity party. This blog has just happened to become my outlet for getting some emotions out that I wouldn't necessarily express to anyone in person for fear of breaking down. If I get upset and start crying while typing a post then I can just stop and do something else, but a conversation with someone is a little different. I also have a hard time expressing how I feel when talking, so as I type, I get a chance to think about how to word things and how to get across what I'm really trying to. It's like my therapy right now. So just bear with me and I'm sure I'll get back to some happier thoughts soon (or maybe not too soon, but in time).
I still want to have our children be close in age. That leads me to having to deal with the question of when. When will we try again? I don't know the answer to that. I think that we aren't going to start trying right away. I feel like that would be stressful and that I need a break for a while from thinking about pregnancy related things. Not that I don't want to hear about other people's pregnancies or babies. I can deal with that and I don't want people to shy away from the topic because they don't want to hurt my broken heart more. Really, it's okay. I just don't want to think about myself being pregnant for a while. Several months at least. We'll just wait and see what God holds for our future.
I came across Addison's "big sister" shirt that I bought for her a few months ago. It's a long sleeved 2T and I keep thinking that she might not be able to wear it whenever the time comes. I'm thinking of getting a memory box to put all of the cards and pregnancy related things in. I keep thinking of different things that I want to put in a place to keep but get out of my sight for a while. I don't want to throw things away but I also don't want to be looking at them all the time. Things like my ultrasound pictures from my 8 week appointment, all the cards and messages people have given me, the miscarriage pamphlet from the hospital. Now Addison's Big Sister shirt may go in it too. I've been thinking of calling it my "heartbreak box." Too sad? I don't know... maybe I'll call it something else.
I feel like all I do is ramble and wallow in all my posts. I'm certainly not trying to have myself a great big pity party. This blog has just happened to become my outlet for getting some emotions out that I wouldn't necessarily express to anyone in person for fear of breaking down. If I get upset and start crying while typing a post then I can just stop and do something else, but a conversation with someone is a little different. I also have a hard time expressing how I feel when talking, so as I type, I get a chance to think about how to word things and how to get across what I'm really trying to. It's like my therapy right now. So just bear with me and I'm sure I'll get back to some happier thoughts soon (or maybe not too soon, but in time).
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Lost
Lost...that's about how I'm feeling right now. I feel so alone and secluded at times even though I'm surrounded by people.
I went back to work yesterday. It went okay. I didn't break down and I made it through the whole day. I thought I was going to have to leave to go to the doctor when I started having some new side effects from my surgery that I was slightly alarmed by. (Reader's Beware: female symptoms about to be discussed). I had been cramping all day but during lunches it started getting really intense and quite painful. I stood up and realized that I'd started bleeding as well (which I was NOT prepared for and had to have one of my co-workers bring me a pair of pants to borrow. I felt like I was in middle school and having my period for the first time and not being prepared. I think a word like humiliated would suit the situation). Both of these are common after a D&C but I hadn't been having either one since the day after. I called the nurse from my OB/GYN doctor's office and she told me to monitor everything throughout the afternoon and over night. I was feeling better this morning but still experiencing some pain so I called back (as instructed). I was once again told to monitor and if it was still going on to come in to be seen by the doctor this afternoon.
So I went to work this morning. I was not feeling well but emotionally I was okay. I had a few moments where I just stared off into nothing but snapped out of it before the tears started flowing. This afternoon I called back to talk to the nurse and got an appointment to see Dr. Lipscomb. I knew it was going to be hard on me, emotionally, to go back to the last place that I experienced "normal"; the place that my world was shattered in front of my eyes. Trouble started as I checked in. The receptionist was trying to figure out if I needed to pay my co-payment or not then said "Oh. You're an OB patient aren't you?" (OB patient is what you are referred to as when you are pregnant and you see the Obstetrician. If you are at the woman doctor for other issues you are seeing the Gynecologist...even though they are both the same doctor. Make sense? yeah, not really to me either.) I didn't really answer because the only thing I could think of was that I should still be an OB patient and that I wish that I still had a healthy baby growing inside me instead of having to have a dead baby sucked out of me. Then she couldn't really figure it out so she asked me what I was being seen for. So I had to tell her that I was having some issues following a D&C from a miscarriage. I wasn't mad at her because she wasn't out of line in any way but it was hard for me to go through everything when I was already nervous and slightly testy/moody.
I sat in the waiting room and then was called back by a couple of women that I didn't recognize as being nurses. I felt a bit bombarded by the lab-techs that called me because as soon as I was near them one told me that I was having blood work done, then going for an ultrasound and then back to see the doctor, oh and that she liked my shirt. Then, while I'm still processing all of this brand new information, they are trying to have fast-paced small talk and chit-chat about my shirt with me. I couldn't keep up, not that I was interested or cared. I'm not even sure I could tell you what shirt I had on. I guess just being there and in some pain was overwhelming me and I was extra emotional. I was very out-of-it and I'm sure I was full of blank stares that some found rude.
The ultrasound was just as awkward and confusing for me. Not that I was confused at what was happening but that I kept missing what I was supposed to be doing. I walked into the room and was expecting to pull up my shirt to have have the gel on my belly. Don't know why that's what I expected...I should have know that it would have to be trans-vaginal. So I stood there waiting on the ultrasound tech to tell me to hop up onto the table while she stood there waiting for me to go strip down in the little bathroom. As i laid on the little bed, I kept thinking of the last ultrasound that I had and the devastating result of that. I closed my eyes and tried to drift off during most of it. Anyway not a good experience.
My doctor was super nice as always and very good about explaining things to me and didn't make me feel like I was an inconvenience or being stupidly cautious over nothing. He took my concerns seriously, hence the blood work and the ultrasound. Fortunately he didn't think that there was any kind of complication and the ultrasound showed that there wasn't anything remaining in my uterus that shouldn't be there from the pregnancy. In fact the phrase used was, "the content of my uterus is empty." Empty. That's right. I'm empty. I know what empty feels like, that's what my problem is. I'm obviously internalizing his words and I know that he meant that my uterus is empty of anything that might be harming me. Anyway, after his examination Dr. Lipscomb felt that I might be getting an infection as a result of the surgery. So I'm currently taking an antibiotic twice a day as well as a medication that will make my uterus contract itself back down to a normal size (it's apparently still enlarged from the pregnancy). I'll take this every 6 hours for 24 hours. It will cause more cramping and a need to take 4 ibuprofen every six hours as well. Lovely. I hate taking medicine, but it seems that I'll be taking it for the next week at least.
When I checked out, I went to the same lady that checked me in. She asked if I needed to schedule another appointment and I told her that I already have one scheduled. She wanted to check it in her computer, but then got confused. I had to explain to her that I originally had an ultrasound (18 week, gender-revealing) scheduled for next Thursday which was cancelled (for obvious reasons) and a new post-op appointment was already set up for Wednesday. She then saw everything clearly and verified the date and time of my follow-up. By this point, I was nearly in tears and just wanted leave. I pretty much cried the whole way home, feeling emotionally drained and on the verge of tears for most of the evening (all, of course, while dealing with intense cramping). I've calmed down a lot but, honestly, I could still cry right now.
So overall my day was awful. I'm nervous about my pain level with the medication that I'm taking. I really don't want to have to miss yet another day of work so I'm hoping to be strong and make it through. I'm praying for strength, physically, but mainly emotionally. Going back to work has not been easy, but it's gone smoothly for the most part.
I'm not questioning God with "why?" and I've accepted that I lost my baby. I know that I'm young and shouldn't have any trouble getting pregnant again when we want to. I know that everything will work out and that God will give me the strength to move past this. But that doesn't make what I'm feeling any easier. At moments I feel fine and like I'm making progress but it seems like that is always followed by what seems like set-backs and break-downs. I know its normal. The pragmatist in me knows all of this. But the emotional side of me can't really accept it or process it or deal with. I don't really know how to explain it. I'm sure if you've ever experienced anything similar you can understand what I'm trying to express. If you haven't, I pray that you don't ever understand what I'm saying.
Lost...but searching through the darkness for my Way.
I went back to work yesterday. It went okay. I didn't break down and I made it through the whole day. I thought I was going to have to leave to go to the doctor when I started having some new side effects from my surgery that I was slightly alarmed by. (Reader's Beware: female symptoms about to be discussed). I had been cramping all day but during lunches it started getting really intense and quite painful. I stood up and realized that I'd started bleeding as well (which I was NOT prepared for and had to have one of my co-workers bring me a pair of pants to borrow. I felt like I was in middle school and having my period for the first time and not being prepared. I think a word like humiliated would suit the situation). Both of these are common after a D&C but I hadn't been having either one since the day after. I called the nurse from my OB/GYN doctor's office and she told me to monitor everything throughout the afternoon and over night. I was feeling better this morning but still experiencing some pain so I called back (as instructed). I was once again told to monitor and if it was still going on to come in to be seen by the doctor this afternoon.
So I went to work this morning. I was not feeling well but emotionally I was okay. I had a few moments where I just stared off into nothing but snapped out of it before the tears started flowing. This afternoon I called back to talk to the nurse and got an appointment to see Dr. Lipscomb. I knew it was going to be hard on me, emotionally, to go back to the last place that I experienced "normal"; the place that my world was shattered in front of my eyes. Trouble started as I checked in. The receptionist was trying to figure out if I needed to pay my co-payment or not then said "Oh. You're an OB patient aren't you?" (OB patient is what you are referred to as when you are pregnant and you see the Obstetrician. If you are at the woman doctor for other issues you are seeing the Gynecologist...even though they are both the same doctor. Make sense? yeah, not really to me either.) I didn't really answer because the only thing I could think of was that I should still be an OB patient and that I wish that I still had a healthy baby growing inside me instead of having to have a dead baby sucked out of me. Then she couldn't really figure it out so she asked me what I was being seen for. So I had to tell her that I was having some issues following a D&C from a miscarriage. I wasn't mad at her because she wasn't out of line in any way but it was hard for me to go through everything when I was already nervous and slightly testy/moody.
I sat in the waiting room and then was called back by a couple of women that I didn't recognize as being nurses. I felt a bit bombarded by the lab-techs that called me because as soon as I was near them one told me that I was having blood work done, then going for an ultrasound and then back to see the doctor, oh and that she liked my shirt. Then, while I'm still processing all of this brand new information, they are trying to have fast-paced small talk and chit-chat about my shirt with me. I couldn't keep up, not that I was interested or cared. I'm not even sure I could tell you what shirt I had on. I guess just being there and in some pain was overwhelming me and I was extra emotional. I was very out-of-it and I'm sure I was full of blank stares that some found rude.
The ultrasound was just as awkward and confusing for me. Not that I was confused at what was happening but that I kept missing what I was supposed to be doing. I walked into the room and was expecting to pull up my shirt to have have the gel on my belly. Don't know why that's what I expected...I should have know that it would have to be trans-vaginal. So I stood there waiting on the ultrasound tech to tell me to hop up onto the table while she stood there waiting for me to go strip down in the little bathroom. As i laid on the little bed, I kept thinking of the last ultrasound that I had and the devastating result of that. I closed my eyes and tried to drift off during most of it. Anyway not a good experience.
My doctor was super nice as always and very good about explaining things to me and didn't make me feel like I was an inconvenience or being stupidly cautious over nothing. He took my concerns seriously, hence the blood work and the ultrasound. Fortunately he didn't think that there was any kind of complication and the ultrasound showed that there wasn't anything remaining in my uterus that shouldn't be there from the pregnancy. In fact the phrase used was, "the content of my uterus is empty." Empty. That's right. I'm empty. I know what empty feels like, that's what my problem is. I'm obviously internalizing his words and I know that he meant that my uterus is empty of anything that might be harming me. Anyway, after his examination Dr. Lipscomb felt that I might be getting an infection as a result of the surgery. So I'm currently taking an antibiotic twice a day as well as a medication that will make my uterus contract itself back down to a normal size (it's apparently still enlarged from the pregnancy). I'll take this every 6 hours for 24 hours. It will cause more cramping and a need to take 4 ibuprofen every six hours as well. Lovely. I hate taking medicine, but it seems that I'll be taking it for the next week at least.
When I checked out, I went to the same lady that checked me in. She asked if I needed to schedule another appointment and I told her that I already have one scheduled. She wanted to check it in her computer, but then got confused. I had to explain to her that I originally had an ultrasound (18 week, gender-revealing) scheduled for next Thursday which was cancelled (for obvious reasons) and a new post-op appointment was already set up for Wednesday. She then saw everything clearly and verified the date and time of my follow-up. By this point, I was nearly in tears and just wanted leave. I pretty much cried the whole way home, feeling emotionally drained and on the verge of tears for most of the evening (all, of course, while dealing with intense cramping). I've calmed down a lot but, honestly, I could still cry right now.
So overall my day was awful. I'm nervous about my pain level with the medication that I'm taking. I really don't want to have to miss yet another day of work so I'm hoping to be strong and make it through. I'm praying for strength, physically, but mainly emotionally. Going back to work has not been easy, but it's gone smoothly for the most part.
I'm not questioning God with "why?" and I've accepted that I lost my baby. I know that I'm young and shouldn't have any trouble getting pregnant again when we want to. I know that everything will work out and that God will give me the strength to move past this. But that doesn't make what I'm feeling any easier. At moments I feel fine and like I'm making progress but it seems like that is always followed by what seems like set-backs and break-downs. I know its normal. The pragmatist in me knows all of this. But the emotional side of me can't really accept it or process it or deal with. I don't really know how to explain it. I'm sure if you've ever experienced anything similar you can understand what I'm trying to express. If you haven't, I pray that you don't ever understand what I'm saying.
Lost...but searching through the darkness for my Way.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Not much
I always say I don't have much to blog about and then end up with a really long post (normally full of nothing-ness) so we'll see on this one. The past few days have been really tough still. I'm trying to move on and get back into some type of normalcy but it's so hard to be normal when I don't feel that way at all.
I've had a few incidents with people (some I know, some I don't) that have caused me to be uncomfortable or weepy. While on a walk yesterday morning, Addison and I passed an older woman in our neighborhood (whom I'd never met) and started a conversation with me about Addison. We talked for just a minute then started to walk again and as we were walking away from one another she turned back and said "Know you are blessed to have a child." I looked and her and smiled and thanked her. Then I turned back around and sobbed my way back home. I kept thinking that the response that statement would be "yes ma'am, more than you know." I certainly didn't take any offense to her words, but it did make me very emotional.
I've managed to make it to Walmart and a few other places and although I wouldn't say the trips went well, they weren't too terribly traumatic. The first trip just completely overwhelmed me to be around so many familiar people even though I didn't really have to face any real conversations. As soon as we got home I basically ran into the bedroom, threw myself onto to bed and sobbed. It's strange, not that I do it but when, because I can't really tell you any specific thing that causes me to break down (I feel like I'm repeating myself from another post here).
Anyway, the second trip to Walmart was last night with my friend Kirby. We had to get some stuff for the office (our new car dealership that we're opening...oh I haven't mentioned that Jordan got his dealer's license, started a corporation in which I am one of the four officers and that we will have a used car dealership? In another time and post I'll get to that) and I was doing pretty good. I had a task and was (almost) staying focused on it. We got up to the checkout line and went to one of the cashiers that I know there (which doesn't say much because I know most of them). She's very sweet and always asks me about Addison. Well I was putting things in the cart and she started talking to me so I turned around to face her. Our conversation went like this:
Cashier: "I heard some good news..." smile.
me: Blank stare. Very confused. "What?"
Cashier: repeat, "I heard some good news. Congratulations!"
me: still blank stare and very confused look. "oh."
and I turned back to Addison (who thankfully was starting to fuss and cause I great way out of the conversation). I was in a small state of disbelief. I don't really remember if I said goodbye or anything else to her. I wasn't mad at her, but just so stunned. I didn't know until we got back into the car that the cashier had been trying to talk to me some more but I honestly didn't hear her. Kirby said that she kept trying to congratulate me again until Kirby had to fill her in with a whispered "She lost the baby." I'm very glad that I wasn't in that situation by myself because I don't know how I'd have handled it. I've been preparing myself to hear people ask me about how my pregnancy was going but not to hear congratulations. We've been telling people for 12 weeks that I was pregnant (since week 4) so I thought everyone already knew.
I still have not been sleeping. Well until last night, that is. All Doctors out there that might be reading this, you might need to skip this next part. I took one of Jordan's anxiety pills last night. And I slept great. But I think it made me stay a little extra sleepy and out of it this morning. I kept trying to get up and going but couldn't really wake up until about 11:45 so we didn't make it to church. I think Satan was causing me to have some extra anxiety about being around everyone. I know that sounds ridiculous since my church family is going to be one of the most supportive crowds I could be around, but I think it was the crowd part that was getting to me. I'll get there eventually. Hopefully soon.
My plan is to go back to work tomorrow. My bosses have been so great about making sure that I know I can take as much time as I need, but I feel like I should try to get back into a routine. I guess we'll see how tonight and tomorrow morning go. I hope that I'll be okay throughout the day, but I know until I try it.
And once again, I'd like to say yet another, huge "Thank you" to all of you for your love, support and prayers. I love you all!
I've had a few incidents with people (some I know, some I don't) that have caused me to be uncomfortable or weepy. While on a walk yesterday morning, Addison and I passed an older woman in our neighborhood (whom I'd never met) and started a conversation with me about Addison. We talked for just a minute then started to walk again and as we were walking away from one another she turned back and said "Know you are blessed to have a child." I looked and her and smiled and thanked her. Then I turned back around and sobbed my way back home. I kept thinking that the response that statement would be "yes ma'am, more than you know." I certainly didn't take any offense to her words, but it did make me very emotional.
I've managed to make it to Walmart and a few other places and although I wouldn't say the trips went well, they weren't too terribly traumatic. The first trip just completely overwhelmed me to be around so many familiar people even though I didn't really have to face any real conversations. As soon as we got home I basically ran into the bedroom, threw myself onto to bed and sobbed. It's strange, not that I do it but when, because I can't really tell you any specific thing that causes me to break down (I feel like I'm repeating myself from another post here).
Anyway, the second trip to Walmart was last night with my friend Kirby. We had to get some stuff for the office (our new car dealership that we're opening...oh I haven't mentioned that Jordan got his dealer's license, started a corporation in which I am one of the four officers and that we will have a used car dealership? In another time and post I'll get to that) and I was doing pretty good. I had a task and was (almost) staying focused on it. We got up to the checkout line and went to one of the cashiers that I know there (which doesn't say much because I know most of them). She's very sweet and always asks me about Addison. Well I was putting things in the cart and she started talking to me so I turned around to face her. Our conversation went like this:
Cashier: "I heard some good news..." smile.
me: Blank stare. Very confused. "What?"
Cashier: repeat, "I heard some good news. Congratulations!"
me: still blank stare and very confused look. "oh."
and I turned back to Addison (who thankfully was starting to fuss and cause I great way out of the conversation). I was in a small state of disbelief. I don't really remember if I said goodbye or anything else to her. I wasn't mad at her, but just so stunned. I didn't know until we got back into the car that the cashier had been trying to talk to me some more but I honestly didn't hear her. Kirby said that she kept trying to congratulate me again until Kirby had to fill her in with a whispered "She lost the baby." I'm very glad that I wasn't in that situation by myself because I don't know how I'd have handled it. I've been preparing myself to hear people ask me about how my pregnancy was going but not to hear congratulations. We've been telling people for 12 weeks that I was pregnant (since week 4) so I thought everyone already knew.
I still have not been sleeping. Well until last night, that is. All Doctors out there that might be reading this, you might need to skip this next part. I took one of Jordan's anxiety pills last night. And I slept great. But I think it made me stay a little extra sleepy and out of it this morning. I kept trying to get up and going but couldn't really wake up until about 11:45 so we didn't make it to church. I think Satan was causing me to have some extra anxiety about being around everyone. I know that sounds ridiculous since my church family is going to be one of the most supportive crowds I could be around, but I think it was the crowd part that was getting to me. I'll get there eventually. Hopefully soon.
My plan is to go back to work tomorrow. My bosses have been so great about making sure that I know I can take as much time as I need, but I feel like I should try to get back into a routine. I guess we'll see how tonight and tomorrow morning go. I hope that I'll be okay throughout the day, but I know until I try it.
And once again, I'd like to say yet another, huge "Thank you" to all of you for your love, support and prayers. I love you all!
Friday, August 27, 2010
What I've been doing
I'm going to try to make this post a bit easier to follow than the last all-over-the-place post.
I have been spending lots a of time with my two favorite people in the world, Jordan and Addison.
Wednesday I ran some errands with Jordan because I didn't want to stay at home by myself, and that after noon I had to take Addison to the doctor for her 15 month well baby visit. My mom with us since Jordan had a prior commitment. Addison is perfect and healthy, right on track developmentally. 50th percentile for her height and weight and 80th for her big, smart head. Only vice: she is still taking a bottle. We're working on it.
Jordan's work has been so incredibly understanding about him needing to take time off to spend with me. He was already off for Wednesday, then went to work on Thursday but left at lunch to time to spend the rest of the day with me. I was okay being at home alone only because Addison keeps me so busy and when she naps, I've been throwing myself into housework. I would just sleep or veg out in front of the TV, but sleep does not come easy right now and being still leaves me with lots of thoughts that I don't always want to process.
So although I was okay at home, it was nice for Jordan to be with me yesterday. We ended up going with my Mom to my Aunt's pool to swim. We just stayed there and relaxed by the pool and let Addison play for a few hours. We left when she started getting sleepy and ready for her nap.
Jordan and I had been planning to go to Carrabba's for my birthday dinner. We all know that didn't go as planned but we were able to go last night. Addison went to sleep for her nap at my Mom's house, so we left her there (since Mom graciously offered to keep her for us for the evening)and went home and got showers before going out. I was having a really hard time during that time period and I'm not sure why. Could be because the last time we went to Carrabba's was just a few weeks ago and I was happy and pregnant. Or because I couldn't decide what to wear because I wanted to look nice, but I still have this little "Is she pregnant or not" gut and I really didn't want to look chubby or pregnant. I was going through different shirts and kept coming across different maternity clothes that I had been starting to wear. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to get them out of my sight and out of my wardrobe. So I found every thing I could that was maternity and bagged them up to go back to whoever it had been borrowed from or threw it in the huge bin I have for maternity clothes (which I promptly put in the back of my closet). I was planning on washing everything first, but I just couldn't deal with looking at them any more so some things didn't get washed after I wore them. As I was going through all of these motions, (taking a shower, throwing a load of laundry in the washer, cleaning out pregnancy clothes, blow drying my hair and getting ready to leave) I was just tearful and crying and mad and grumpy. Jordan couldn't figure out what had hit me since I seemed to have been fine all day, and honestly I couldn't really tell you exactly what brought on the change either. I guess that's just how it is right now.
Anyway we went to dinner and it was amazingly good. I haven't had much of an appetite so I wasn't sure how dinner would go, but let's just say that I didn't have any trouble eating Carrabba's delicious food. We left Carrabba's and went to the mall. I ended up being in a really good mood most of the time. I did start to go numb as I thought about finding a picture frame for the ultrasound pictures (from 8 weeks). (I found one that said "Love at first sight" but it was really ugly colors, so I think I'll either paint one or have one engraved with that. I definitely want something along those lines to memorialize the Baby.) But I was able to move past it and not ruin the evening.
We picked up Addison, came home, put baby girl to bed (with no bottle-milestone) and watched a movie (Primal Fear-good but horribly bad language). When the movie went off at 11, I was really tired but couldn't face going to bed and laying there with only my thoughts. I stayed up and started the last blog post, couldn't keep my thoughts organized (you noticed? really?) then finally made myself go to bed after 1. It probably took me an hour to go to sleep, during which I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I started getting really anxious and couldn't breathe well. So I laid there and just started praying and it passed nearly as quickly as it came on.
Now Addison is napping and I've been doing laundry (I'm actually start to run out of things to wash. I'll have to start looking for a new area of housework to stay busy with now). I've got a very loose plan formed for this afternoon and it actually involves getting out and seeing people. I may end up backing out, but I need to try, I think.
Tonight our friends Chuck, LeeAnn and Salem are bringing us dinner. I think it will be nice to be around them and hang out some. They have been through a similar situation so we'll have that comfort of knowing they can relate and understand some.
So I'm hanging in here and having good moments mixed in with the bad. Keep praying.
I have been spending lots a of time with my two favorite people in the world, Jordan and Addison.
Wednesday I ran some errands with Jordan because I didn't want to stay at home by myself, and that after noon I had to take Addison to the doctor for her 15 month well baby visit. My mom with us since Jordan had a prior commitment. Addison is perfect and healthy, right on track developmentally. 50th percentile for her height and weight and 80th for her big, smart head. Only vice: she is still taking a bottle. We're working on it.
Jordan's work has been so incredibly understanding about him needing to take time off to spend with me. He was already off for Wednesday, then went to work on Thursday but left at lunch to time to spend the rest of the day with me. I was okay being at home alone only because Addison keeps me so busy and when she naps, I've been throwing myself into housework. I would just sleep or veg out in front of the TV, but sleep does not come easy right now and being still leaves me with lots of thoughts that I don't always want to process.
So although I was okay at home, it was nice for Jordan to be with me yesterday. We ended up going with my Mom to my Aunt's pool to swim. We just stayed there and relaxed by the pool and let Addison play for a few hours. We left when she started getting sleepy and ready for her nap.
Jordan and I had been planning to go to Carrabba's for my birthday dinner. We all know that didn't go as planned but we were able to go last night. Addison went to sleep for her nap at my Mom's house, so we left her there (since Mom graciously offered to keep her for us for the evening)and went home and got showers before going out. I was having a really hard time during that time period and I'm not sure why. Could be because the last time we went to Carrabba's was just a few weeks ago and I was happy and pregnant. Or because I couldn't decide what to wear because I wanted to look nice, but I still have this little "Is she pregnant or not" gut and I really didn't want to look chubby or pregnant. I was going through different shirts and kept coming across different maternity clothes that I had been starting to wear. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to get them out of my sight and out of my wardrobe. So I found every thing I could that was maternity and bagged them up to go back to whoever it had been borrowed from or threw it in the huge bin I have for maternity clothes (which I promptly put in the back of my closet). I was planning on washing everything first, but I just couldn't deal with looking at them any more so some things didn't get washed after I wore them. As I was going through all of these motions, (taking a shower, throwing a load of laundry in the washer, cleaning out pregnancy clothes, blow drying my hair and getting ready to leave) I was just tearful and crying and mad and grumpy. Jordan couldn't figure out what had hit me since I seemed to have been fine all day, and honestly I couldn't really tell you exactly what brought on the change either. I guess that's just how it is right now.
Anyway we went to dinner and it was amazingly good. I haven't had much of an appetite so I wasn't sure how dinner would go, but let's just say that I didn't have any trouble eating Carrabba's delicious food. We left Carrabba's and went to the mall. I ended up being in a really good mood most of the time. I did start to go numb as I thought about finding a picture frame for the ultrasound pictures (from 8 weeks). (I found one that said "Love at first sight" but it was really ugly colors, so I think I'll either paint one or have one engraved with that. I definitely want something along those lines to memorialize the Baby.) But I was able to move past it and not ruin the evening.
We picked up Addison, came home, put baby girl to bed (with no bottle-milestone) and watched a movie (Primal Fear-good but horribly bad language). When the movie went off at 11, I was really tired but couldn't face going to bed and laying there with only my thoughts. I stayed up and started the last blog post, couldn't keep my thoughts organized (you noticed? really?) then finally made myself go to bed after 1. It probably took me an hour to go to sleep, during which I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I started getting really anxious and couldn't breathe well. So I laid there and just started praying and it passed nearly as quickly as it came on.
Now Addison is napping and I've been doing laundry (I'm actually start to run out of things to wash. I'll have to start looking for a new area of housework to stay busy with now). I've got a very loose plan formed for this afternoon and it actually involves getting out and seeing people. I may end up backing out, but I need to try, I think.
Tonight our friends Chuck, LeeAnn and Salem are bringing us dinner. I think it will be nice to be around them and hang out some. They have been through a similar situation so we'll have that comfort of knowing they can relate and understand some.
So I'm hanging in here and having good moments mixed in with the bad. Keep praying.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
How do I say Thank You?
I don't really know what I'm going to say tonight. It's been a tough few days, full of ups and downs, emotions and hormones, and a lot of "I just don't know"s. I've been completely overwhelmed by the response of people reaching out to us. We've had so many phone calls, flowers, cards, emails, FB messages, texts, prayers,visitors, food sent...I just don't know how to express my gratitude to everyone. There has been such an outpouring of love and support that I cannot even fully process right now. I've also been overwhelmed with the response of so many women who have brought their similar stories of loss to me. I don't really have a word to describe how this makes me feel. It's sad to hear of others who have been here but its a slight comfort (not the right word here, but what is??) to know that I can talk to these brave women when I feel ready. I think we are linked through our grief.
A few people who are close to me have said that I'm doing well and handling everything well, but I think I must just be able to mask things well. I have moments where I am fine, but in private I have great anxiety about seeing people and talking about it and about not responding after being reached out to. I feel bad about not saying "Thank You" quickly enough or not having much of anything at all to say. I so appreciate everything, but I just can't cope with all of the emotions I'm feeling right now. I have all of these thoughts in my head and I just can't really turn them into words right now. I feel like I won't get through the first sentence of most conversations without sobbing. But time and God will heal... I'm waiting on it to come...
These days I lose it in the drop of a hat and can cry at just about anything if it hits me the wrong way. Jordan is probably the only one who has seen me be fine and then breakdown, then fine, then breakdown, etc., etc. I think I get lost in thought sometimes and just have a glazed over look. Normally this is what happens right before I start crying again. If I'm feeling pretty good and start to enjoy myself, I start to feel guilty. I know that I'm healing and in the moving-on process but it's hard to know just how to act or what to do. I don't want to stay at home all day, coped up in the house just because I'm scared to death of interacting with people but I have so, so much anxiety over being in a public place, alone, and surrounded by people who know me and the situation. I feel comforted in the anonymity of being around people that don't know me. If I'm around someone who knows then I have to talk about things and I feel the weight of unspoken expectations. This is all in theory, of course, since I haven't really put myself in a situation like this because I obviously have irrational fears. I'm working on it. Maybe tomorrow I'll get out and talk to people other than family.
Anyway, the whole point of this post wasn't to tell everyone that I'm avoiding them right now (which isn't really how it is but it probably seems that way...), but to say a huge Thank You! I seem to have completely messed up in getting that across... But really I so, so appreciate every little thing that has been done for us. I treasure every message and card that I've received (I'm planning on printing everything out and keeping a book of cards and sweet messages of support). Just knowing how many prayers are going up on our behalf is a huge comfort. I'm thanking God everyday to have to wonderful support and love that He's given us.
All that to say: THANKS!!!
A few people who are close to me have said that I'm doing well and handling everything well, but I think I must just be able to mask things well. I have moments where I am fine, but in private I have great anxiety about seeing people and talking about it and about not responding after being reached out to. I feel bad about not saying "Thank You" quickly enough or not having much of anything at all to say. I so appreciate everything, but I just can't cope with all of the emotions I'm feeling right now. I have all of these thoughts in my head and I just can't really turn them into words right now. I feel like I won't get through the first sentence of most conversations without sobbing. But time and God will heal... I'm waiting on it to come...
These days I lose it in the drop of a hat and can cry at just about anything if it hits me the wrong way. Jordan is probably the only one who has seen me be fine and then breakdown, then fine, then breakdown, etc., etc. I think I get lost in thought sometimes and just have a glazed over look. Normally this is what happens right before I start crying again. If I'm feeling pretty good and start to enjoy myself, I start to feel guilty. I know that I'm healing and in the moving-on process but it's hard to know just how to act or what to do. I don't want to stay at home all day, coped up in the house just because I'm scared to death of interacting with people but I have so, so much anxiety over being in a public place, alone, and surrounded by people who know me and the situation. I feel comforted in the anonymity of being around people that don't know me. If I'm around someone who knows then I have to talk about things and I feel the weight of unspoken expectations. This is all in theory, of course, since I haven't really put myself in a situation like this because I obviously have irrational fears. I'm working on it. Maybe tomorrow I'll get out and talk to people other than family.
Anyway, the whole point of this post wasn't to tell everyone that I'm avoiding them right now (which isn't really how it is but it probably seems that way...), but to say a huge Thank You! I seem to have completely messed up in getting that across... But really I so, so appreciate every little thing that has been done for us. I treasure every message and card that I've received (I'm planning on printing everything out and keeping a book of cards and sweet messages of support). Just knowing how many prayers are going up on our behalf is a huge comfort. I'm thanking God everyday to have to wonderful support and love that He's given us.
All that to say: THANKS!!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Now I know
Now I know why I wasn't gaining any more weight for the past three weeks.
Now I know why I wasn't feeling very hungry or nauseous recently.
Now I know why I felt so good, without many symptoms at all.
Now I know why I wasn't so emotional as most pregnant women are.
Now I know what it's like to experience an unexplained loss.
Now I know what miscarriage is.
I lost my baby. Today I went to the doctor for my regular check up. I was so excited and very much looking forward to being able to hear the baby's heartbeat on my birthday. After waiting in the lobby, seeing the nurse and answering a few routine questions, Dr. Miyazaki tried to locate the heartbeat with the doppler thing that they use. After 5 minutes of him of hearing nothing but static, sweaks, and my heartbeat he said I needed to have a scan done. As I was laying there and looking a the ceiling I felt an awful, sinking feeling and started pleading with God that the baby was okay and just in a funny position. I had to wait in a little sitting cubby for a few minutes before the ultrasound tech could see me. They were playing Christian music on the loudspeaker but all I could hear was the loud beating heart of a healthy baby that was also being proudly advertised over the speakers.
The sweet ultrasound tech came and got me and I held my breath as she put the slimy wand on my belly. Immediately my sweet, beautiful baby came up on the monitor but there was no flickering that should've been present. I knew. She looked for a few more seconds before gently rubbing my thigh and saying softly that "It doesn't look good. There's no heartbeat." I just started crying and she was so, so sweet about it. She said she had to look over some things and get some measurements but asked if I wanted to monitor left on or off. I composed myself for the most part and decided to watch as she looked over my baby, since that was the most I'd ever get to see of it. I called Jordan and told him to come to the doctor's office and before I could tell him he asked if we lost the baby. At that point I was crying again and feeling so alone. They took me back into the little sitting area (back to the loud thump of a healthy baby's striving heart) and I waited on Jordan to come and grieve with me. When Dr. Miyazaki came back over to me he embraced me in a such an understanding hug and said he was so, so sorry.
Jordan came in the room that they moved me into and we both lost it for a few minutes. Dr. Miyazaki went over some things with us and said that the baby had stopped living and growing when it was at 13 w 4 d. He stressed over and over again that when miscarriages happen after 12 weeks it's about a 90% chance that it is due to a chromosomal abnormality and that it was nothing that I'd done. He said the the baby had some kind of growth (or pocket of fluid, not really sure) on the back of it's head and neck and that was a huge indicator of something genetically not lining up. It had a name but I don't remember what it was. He went over the procedure that I would have to have done to remove the baby from my uterus. A D&C, Dilation and Curettage. This is where the cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus are removed via suction curettage. It's commonly performed following miscarriage in cases where the uterus fails to empty its content, as mine did. (It's also what is commonly performed for abortions in the first trimester, but I'm trying to block that from my memory.)
I went to the hospital where I was taken back to a pre-op room in GYN Surgery. Dr. Lipscomb was in the OR today so he preformed my D&C. He is also the same doctor that delivered Addison (the irony did not escape me). He was also very kind and understanding and also stressed that this did not happen due to anything that I had done. He also assured me that he didn't think I'd have any trouble getting pregnant or having a healthy baby in the future, since he knew my body had done it before. They don't think that it was because of any genetic defects that Jordan and I have together. We could pay to have the tissue sent off for testing but because the baby had already been dead for a few weeks it's doubtful that there would be any viable tissue to analyze.
I had a spinal block to numb me from the waist down and I was given medicine to somewhat sedate me and keep from remembering being in the OR. It worked because I think I slept through the whole thing (which only lasted less than an hour). The sweet anesthesia nurse let me listen to her i-pod which I only vaguely remember was playing contemporary Christian music. I had to wait about 2 hours for my legs to be able to hold me up and allow me to walk before I could leave to come home.
I rode home with Mom while Jordan and Dad went to get Jordan's truck and pick up food. Mom and I had to pick up my happy girl from her Nana and Papaw's. It was wonderful to see her and hear her precious voice saying "Mama". When we got home, my sister, Kyla, had washed all my dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and Jordan was arranging a beautiful bouquet of pink roses that he bought for me. He's been so great through all of this, but is full of grief too.
I had no indication that there was a problem with the baby except for a lack of symptoms which I assumed just meant that I was having a good uneventful pregnancy. I had no bleeding or discharge that would lead me to believe that the baby had died. When I am ever pregnant again in the future, I'm going to be a nervous wreck if I feel good. I knew I was pregnant during every passing minute with Addison because I felt pregnant, even before I was showing. This time, I had even made the comment the I didn't feel pregnant because I felt so good. Now, I know that I wasn't.
I've had an amazing amount of love and support from so many wonderful people and I am so thankful that God put them in my life. How people without faith get through tragedies like this is beyond me. I wouldn't have to strength without God giving it to me or giving me people to lift me up.
I cannot imagine how much more tough this would be if this had been my first pregnancy. I wouldn't have my beautiful girl to cheer me up and make my laugh. I wouldn't have the peace of mind that comes with knowing that I can have healthy babies.
Now I know what's its like to be awake at 2 AM, mourning over one baby but rejoicing in another one who is sound asleep in her crib.
Now I know how much pain and grief you feel after losing a baby that I never even got to meet.
Now I know that my baby is heaven and will never feel the pain of this world.
Now I know how it feels to enter the hospital carrying a baby and leave the hospital empty handed.
Now I know what is feels like to be empty inside.
**THANK YOU to everyone who has shown such love and support to Jordan and I. We know you're praying and it's carrying us through.**
Now I know why I wasn't feeling very hungry or nauseous recently.
Now I know why I felt so good, without many symptoms at all.
Now I know why I wasn't so emotional as most pregnant women are.
Now I know what it's like to experience an unexplained loss.
Now I know what miscarriage is.
I lost my baby. Today I went to the doctor for my regular check up. I was so excited and very much looking forward to being able to hear the baby's heartbeat on my birthday. After waiting in the lobby, seeing the nurse and answering a few routine questions, Dr. Miyazaki tried to locate the heartbeat with the doppler thing that they use. After 5 minutes of him of hearing nothing but static, sweaks, and my heartbeat he said I needed to have a scan done. As I was laying there and looking a the ceiling I felt an awful, sinking feeling and started pleading with God that the baby was okay and just in a funny position. I had to wait in a little sitting cubby for a few minutes before the ultrasound tech could see me. They were playing Christian music on the loudspeaker but all I could hear was the loud beating heart of a healthy baby that was also being proudly advertised over the speakers.
The sweet ultrasound tech came and got me and I held my breath as she put the slimy wand on my belly. Immediately my sweet, beautiful baby came up on the monitor but there was no flickering that should've been present. I knew. She looked for a few more seconds before gently rubbing my thigh and saying softly that "It doesn't look good. There's no heartbeat." I just started crying and she was so, so sweet about it. She said she had to look over some things and get some measurements but asked if I wanted to monitor left on or off. I composed myself for the most part and decided to watch as she looked over my baby, since that was the most I'd ever get to see of it. I called Jordan and told him to come to the doctor's office and before I could tell him he asked if we lost the baby. At that point I was crying again and feeling so alone. They took me back into the little sitting area (back to the loud thump of a healthy baby's striving heart) and I waited on Jordan to come and grieve with me. When Dr. Miyazaki came back over to me he embraced me in a such an understanding hug and said he was so, so sorry.
Jordan came in the room that they moved me into and we both lost it for a few minutes. Dr. Miyazaki went over some things with us and said that the baby had stopped living and growing when it was at 13 w 4 d. He stressed over and over again that when miscarriages happen after 12 weeks it's about a 90% chance that it is due to a chromosomal abnormality and that it was nothing that I'd done. He said the the baby had some kind of growth (or pocket of fluid, not really sure) on the back of it's head and neck and that was a huge indicator of something genetically not lining up. It had a name but I don't remember what it was. He went over the procedure that I would have to have done to remove the baby from my uterus. A D&C, Dilation and Curettage. This is where the cervix is dilated and the contents of the uterus are removed via suction curettage. It's commonly performed following miscarriage in cases where the uterus fails to empty its content, as mine did. (It's also what is commonly performed for abortions in the first trimester, but I'm trying to block that from my memory.)
I went to the hospital where I was taken back to a pre-op room in GYN Surgery. Dr. Lipscomb was in the OR today so he preformed my D&C. He is also the same doctor that delivered Addison (the irony did not escape me). He was also very kind and understanding and also stressed that this did not happen due to anything that I had done. He also assured me that he didn't think I'd have any trouble getting pregnant or having a healthy baby in the future, since he knew my body had done it before. They don't think that it was because of any genetic defects that Jordan and I have together. We could pay to have the tissue sent off for testing but because the baby had already been dead for a few weeks it's doubtful that there would be any viable tissue to analyze.
I had a spinal block to numb me from the waist down and I was given medicine to somewhat sedate me and keep from remembering being in the OR. It worked because I think I slept through the whole thing (which only lasted less than an hour). The sweet anesthesia nurse let me listen to her i-pod which I only vaguely remember was playing contemporary Christian music. I had to wait about 2 hours for my legs to be able to hold me up and allow me to walk before I could leave to come home.
I rode home with Mom while Jordan and Dad went to get Jordan's truck and pick up food. Mom and I had to pick up my happy girl from her Nana and Papaw's. It was wonderful to see her and hear her precious voice saying "Mama". When we got home, my sister, Kyla, had washed all my dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and Jordan was arranging a beautiful bouquet of pink roses that he bought for me. He's been so great through all of this, but is full of grief too.
I had no indication that there was a problem with the baby except for a lack of symptoms which I assumed just meant that I was having a good uneventful pregnancy. I had no bleeding or discharge that would lead me to believe that the baby had died. When I am ever pregnant again in the future, I'm going to be a nervous wreck if I feel good. I knew I was pregnant during every passing minute with Addison because I felt pregnant, even before I was showing. This time, I had even made the comment the I didn't feel pregnant because I felt so good. Now, I know that I wasn't.
I've had an amazing amount of love and support from so many wonderful people and I am so thankful that God put them in my life. How people without faith get through tragedies like this is beyond me. I wouldn't have to strength without God giving it to me or giving me people to lift me up.
I cannot imagine how much more tough this would be if this had been my first pregnancy. I wouldn't have my beautiful girl to cheer me up and make my laugh. I wouldn't have the peace of mind that comes with knowing that I can have healthy babies.
Now I know what's its like to be awake at 2 AM, mourning over one baby but rejoicing in another one who is sound asleep in her crib.
Now I know how much pain and grief you feel after losing a baby that I never even got to meet.
Now I know that my baby is heaven and will never feel the pain of this world.
Now I know how it feels to enter the hospital carrying a baby and leave the hospital empty handed.
Now I know what is feels like to be empty inside.
**THANK YOU to everyone who has shown such love and support to Jordan and I. We know you're praying and it's carrying us through.**
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Not Much. Just a Butterfly Kiss
**Be sure to look back at Addison's 15 month post and my 15 week pregnancy highlights post. I've added some super cute pictures (well the ones of Addison are really cute...mine, not so much).
Addison is so silly! We were eating taco salad last night and Addison was dying to have some of the taco meat. She was begging and whining for it while it was cooking and so as soon as we got her in her highchair and the meat was cool enough we gave her some. She gobbled it up! I was surprised that she liked the seasoned meat but she ate about as much as I did (or so I thought... until I got her out of her highchair and found a ton of meat down in the seat. Tripp enjoyed cleaning her seat out last night :) )
We've been in the process of trading/selling cars lately and I have been stressing over what I'm going to be driving. I think we have finally settled down and I'll sign papers on it tomorrow. So my car will be a 2007 Acura TSX. It's a small somewhat sporty sedan that I can easily park but with enough room for the kiddos in the back seat. I'm pretty excited about it, mainly about knowing what I'm going to be driving on a day-to-day basis. My co-workers laugh about it because they never know what car I'm going to be driving from one day to the next. Hopefully it will settle down and I'll keep this one for a while. We'll see...
This is completely random but funny. A few weeks ago I was talking to Jordan and telling him that I was going to try to teach Addison how to give Eskimo kisses (the one where you rub noses) and hummingbird kisses. Jordan just looked at me with this weird look on his face, so I went on to explain. "You know, the kisses where you flutter your eyelashes on the other person's cheek. A hummingbird kiss." He's still looking at me and says that he knows what I'm talking about but don't I mean a BUTTERFLY kiss.
Yeah, I don't know where hummingbird came from but that's what was in my head I guess. I mean there's even a song named BUTTERFLY KISSES. I'm going to blame it on pregnancy.
Addison is so silly! We were eating taco salad last night and Addison was dying to have some of the taco meat. She was begging and whining for it while it was cooking and so as soon as we got her in her highchair and the meat was cool enough we gave her some. She gobbled it up! I was surprised that she liked the seasoned meat but she ate about as much as I did (or so I thought... until I got her out of her highchair and found a ton of meat down in the seat. Tripp enjoyed cleaning her seat out last night :) )
We've been in the process of trading/selling cars lately and I have been stressing over what I'm going to be driving. I think we have finally settled down and I'll sign papers on it tomorrow. So my car will be a 2007 Acura TSX. It's a small somewhat sporty sedan that I can easily park but with enough room for the kiddos in the back seat. I'm pretty excited about it, mainly about knowing what I'm going to be driving on a day-to-day basis. My co-workers laugh about it because they never know what car I'm going to be driving from one day to the next. Hopefully it will settle down and I'll keep this one for a while. We'll see...
This is completely random but funny. A few weeks ago I was talking to Jordan and telling him that I was going to try to teach Addison how to give Eskimo kisses (the one where you rub noses) and hummingbird kisses. Jordan just looked at me with this weird look on his face, so I went on to explain. "You know, the kisses where you flutter your eyelashes on the other person's cheek. A hummingbird kiss." He's still looking at me and says that he knows what I'm talking about but don't I mean a BUTTERFLY kiss.
Yeah, I don't know where hummingbird came from but that's what was in my head I guess. I mean there's even a song named BUTTERFLY KISSES. I'm going to blame it on pregnancy.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Pregnancy Highlights Week 15
(I've decided that my butt is growing more than my belly... ha, ha!)
How Far Along: 15 Weeks
Size of Baby: Baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple or naval orange).
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm still lingering around the 8 to 9 lb mark.
Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing a few here and there, but mainly still my regular clothes. (I'm moving back into the next size up in pants from what I was wearing when I got pregnant. I'm just glad that I have a large variety of sizes in my closet now.)
Gender: Not much longer wait...just 3 more weeks
Movement: I'm feeling little flutters but not regularly. I feel them more at night when I'm laying on the couch after Addison's in bed.
Cravings: Can't really think of anything but I do like to eat. Oh wait, I was just talking about wanting spicy stuff to one of my co-workers, so I guess that's my current craving. Not doing much for my first symptom listed below...
What I miss: Not much of anything I guess. I'm feeling pretty good for the most part.
Sleep: I haven't been sleeping as well lately. I don't have to pee in the middle of the night (most nights) but I seem to be waking up and then tossing and turning for several hours before I can go back to sleep.
Symptoms: I'm starting to feel some heartburn. I'm not feeling as tired/run-down all the time. I guess 2nd trimester energy has come back to me. I have a little bit of lower back pain and some neck pain. That could just be a result of the way I'm sleeping (or rather not sleeping). Not sure.
Best Moment this week: Spending time with family and friends. And getting some of my energy back.
What I'm Looking Forward to: Hearing Baby's heartbeat at my doctor's appointment next Tuesday (on my birthday! What a special gift!!).
Today marks Addison's 15 month birthday and I am 15 weeks pregnant. Thought that was a neat coincident!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I'm still lingering around the 8 to 9 lb mark.
Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing a few here and there, but mainly still my regular clothes. (I'm moving back into the next size up in pants from what I was wearing when I got pregnant. I'm just glad that I have a large variety of sizes in my closet now.)
Gender: Not much longer wait...just 3 more weeks
Movement: I'm feeling little flutters but not regularly. I feel them more at night when I'm laying on the couch after Addison's in bed.
Cravings: Can't really think of anything but I do like to eat. Oh wait, I was just talking about wanting spicy stuff to one of my co-workers, so I guess that's my current craving. Not doing much for my first symptom listed below...
What I miss: Not much of anything I guess. I'm feeling pretty good for the most part.
Sleep: I haven't been sleeping as well lately. I don't have to pee in the middle of the night (most nights) but I seem to be waking up and then tossing and turning for several hours before I can go back to sleep.
Symptoms: I'm starting to feel some heartburn. I'm not feeling as tired/run-down all the time. I guess 2nd trimester energy has come back to me. I have a little bit of lower back pain and some neck pain. That could just be a result of the way I'm sleeping (or rather not sleeping). Not sure.
Best Moment this week: Spending time with family and friends. And getting some of my energy back.
What I'm Looking Forward to: Hearing Baby's heartbeat at my doctor's appointment next Tuesday (on my birthday! What a special gift!!).
Today marks Addison's 15 month birthday and I am 15 weeks pregnant. Thought that was a neat coincident!
Addison is 15 months old!
My baby is growing up way too fast! I cannot believe that she is 15 months old!
* She is such a smart girl (yes, this is coming from her biased Mommy). She can say several words such as, ball, dog, kitty, mama, dada, nana, night night, papaw, nona (for Gena's friend Donna) byebye, bottle (ba ba), that (as she's pointing at something), me (to get our attention normally when she wants more food) and other random things that I'm forgetting about. Addison can also do the signs for fish, eat, more, and sometimes please. The eat, more, and please she all uses in reference to food. My child likes to eat.
* Some of Addison's favorite foods are pizza, any fruit (grapes, strawberries, peaches, watermelon, blueberries), raisins or craisins, oatmeal, grits, cream-of-wheat, buttered toast, pasta (sometimes), puffs, yogurt, any kind of bread, cucumbers and sometimes pickles, any kind of cookie or ice cream and meat. The girl loves chicken and hamburgers or steak. She is a great eater. I only wish that I could get her to eat more veggies but she just doesn't seem to like them at all.
*Addison loves to walk and run around. She is always on the go if she can help it. She is a quiet explorer, always looking in cabinets and drawers. She is trying so hard to climb up on to the couch but she can't quite get up there on her own. One of her favorite activities is to put things in and out of other things. She has a toy that you can drop a ball in it and the ball rolls out of a hole at the bottom and she loves to play with that. There is a certain cabinet in the kitchen that is Addison's secret hiding spot for whatever she's carrying around with her. We have found (or seen her put in it) Jordan's car and work keys, her finger nail polish that I use on her toenails and tons of random toys. She also likes to play with her "little people" sets.
* Addison loves baby dolls. She'll hug and kiss them when prompted and has even started holding them like a little baby (or sometimes in a choke hold). If she hears a baby crying she makes her "o" surprise face and looks around for them. When she spots the crying baby (or any baby) she'll point and them and try to get to them. I can't wait to see how she'll be around her little brother or sister. I think she'll be a good big sister. :)
*Addison still entertains us with her many animal sounds and we love it! She's started making a fish face that accompanies the sign that she does and she also scrunches her nose up for a rabbit. She also bounces up and down for her favorite: the horsey! We regularly hear woof, woof; meow, meow; bak, bak; duck, duck; buzzz (with hand motion); lulalulalul (with her tongue for turkey); and Mmmm(for cow). She has an animal book which she flips through and does the noises for the animal she's looking at, but normally just finds the horse and carries it around on the horse page.
*Addison is such a sweet little girl. She loves to give kisses, blow kisses, wave and say "bye bye" and smile. My favorite time of day is when I put Addison to bed (and not because I'm "getting rid" of her for the day). After she finishes her bottle, we sit together and smile/make faces at each other, laugh, and just cuddle. I eat up every minute of it! It brings me to tears to think that we may not always have our special time together as she grows older (which could have something to do with pregnancy hormones...).
*Addison is picky in the mornings. She normally prefers Jordan over me, unless I get her out of bed and then she is an all over Mommy's girl (which I love-even if it makes me late for work some days). She's funny that way.* I love my Addison so much and my love for her grows with each passing day! Although it makes me sad that she's not a little baby any more, I'm so excited to see what God has planned for our lives with her as she gets older! I thank HIM for her every day!
Happy 15 Month Birthday, Little One!!
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